Mystic Mittens - Horoscopes

The Arts Block cat gazes into her crystal ball, and its not a pretty picture...Virgo(August 24- September 22)Welcome young fresher! The transition from school to UCD will not impact you greatly. You will just have a different set of toilets to cry alone in.Aquarius(January 21-Febuary 19)The stars predict that you will always lack the maturity not to snigger when told your ruling planet is Uranus. Better scratch ‘great sense of humour’ from your personal ad..Pisces(February 20- March 20)As Pluto moves into its new moon, I predict a big change for you. Unfortunately, it’s early-onset menopause. Don’t worry; I’m sure the other lads on the rugby team will be very understanding.Aries(March 21- April 20)You can cover yourself in as much fake tan, glittery make-up and revealing clothes as humanly possible, but no one is ever going to wish their girlfriend was a freak like you.Taurus(April 21 – May 21))Nope, nothing at all interesting happening to you again this fortnight. God, why do you even read these? There is a lot to be said for wishful thinking and optimism, I suppose.Gemini(May 22-June 21)The stars know what you did last summer. In fact, we all do. That webcam was not ‘off’ like he said. Never mind, at least it’s not your B.O we’re all talking about.Cancer(June 22-July 21)As Venus moves to Mars, you’re previously unlucky streak with your sex life will change. You will however, be asleep at the time. Keep one eye open on that flatmate of yours!Leo(July 22- August 23)You will be brutally attacked by a rather attractive, intelligent and insightful cat in the Arts Block. No one will help you. Hurts, doesn’t it?Libra(September 23- October 22)Venus sees your love life improving when a stranger with a familiar face approaches you. Familiar in that you saw him on Crime Watch, but you know what they say about beggars and choosing.Scorpio(October 23- November 22)Your years of practising mind reading will finally pay off, but you will also come to the sad realisation that, in fact, people only keep you around for comedic value.Sagittarius(November 23 – December 20)Balancing the hectic college life - sports, societies, academics- will prove to be a strain on your relationship with your significant other. However the good news that you and your Star Wars figurine will work it out.Capricorn(December 21 – January 20)The stars combine to reveal that despite all your extensive plastic surgery, rigorous exercise plan and starvation dieting, the common consensus will be that you have an ugly personality.