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Mystic Mittens' Horoscopes

The Arts Block cat gazes into her crystal ball, and it’s not a pretty picture…

Libra (September 23- October 22)
The love of one man and his milk carton is rarely understood by society. However, stick to your guns, ignore the fanciful glisten of Coca-Cola cans and luminous Fanta bottles and things will work out for the best.

Aquarius (January 21-Febuary 19)
The stars cannot believe you didn’t call them after your date on Saturday night. They thought you guys had a good time and after shelling out for a chip butty AND a kebab, they think you owed them a little something something.

Pisces (February 20- March 20)
The planet Jupiter has never looked favourably on you. This week, it will take steps to engineer your downfall. Avoid high edges, avoid live electricity wires, avoid your friend, Martin… hide in a darkened room for the next fortnight.

Aries (March 21- April 20)
With all your talents, you will find grabbing gainful employment very easy once you finish your degree. Who would have thought your low self esteem and lack of gag reflex would make you a star?

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Although you may be suspicious about what people really think of you, the stars advise you not to investigate too thoroughly. If you did, you’d realise that you’re right; they do think you’re a total cretin.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)
Being victimised by a band of unruly losers is just a sad part of life for you. However, upon your discovery of a rusty axe in your garage, you can silence their stupidly forever.

Cancer (June 22-July 21)
Cat scratches will mysteriously appear on your face in the morning. They will become infected. You will be horribly scarred. You will hear a cat laugh. That will teach you to tread on my tail.

Leo (July 22- August 23)

Virgo (August 24- September 22)
Are they picking on you? Do they not like you? Have you no friendy-wendies? Well is it any surprise? You are a joyless, boring git. People only tolerate you to copy your lecture notes and get an extra drinks ticket at the class party.

Scorpio (October 23- November 22)
Your boyfriend is a useless, spotty, overweight, boring Law student with halitosis, therefore it will come as a surprise to you that he will actually manage to find three other girls to sleep with him while you think he’s in the library.

Sagittarius (November 23- December 20)
Will the advent of the Venus’ third phase, you will loose all sense of self, upsetting for you, relieving the rest of us. The less self of you we have to deal with the better.

Capricorn (December 21- January 20)
In the words of Ronan Keating, “the smile on your face lets me know”… you’re a pervert. The heavy breathing and the husky snarl merely just add depth to this look. If you spent more time in the library than you do on porn websites, the stars would not be forced to predict your failing out of college this Christmas.