Aries - The stars are aligning for you to become a very, very successful person if you can answer the “riddles three” of the gnome living under your bed. Good luck.
Taurus - Happy birthday! Happy happy birthday! This month you will go to Paris just like your hero, Mrs Harris.
Gemini - Two Face called from Gotham, he wants you to take his name. You may never get forgiveness for what you have done.
Cancer - The fact that you managed to write 6 horoscopes without knowing a single thing about the zodiac signs is kind of slay? Like yeah, you just geared half of them to be hyper-specific towards your friends but you got it done.
Leo - This goes out to Ke Huy Quan one last time. Congratulations, this was all my doing!
Virgo - The stars are telling you to give your epic gamer buddy €5 on Revolut. You so want to give your buddy some money, open the app right now or you will never watch another E! Original movie and Italy will never let you into its walls again.
Libra - You don’t deserve a horoscope this month. Just kidding! Your wildest dreams are about to come true.
Scorpio - Scorpions are the most dangerous of the bugs. Use this to your advantage.
Sagittarius - Again, I am trying to find a note or two to give you but there are just no notes. You keep serving too hard, it's ridiculous.
Capricorn - Lean into the second half of your name and get some nice corn on the cob with dinner later. Maybe check out Pitt Bros if you want some done right, Randy Santel was even there.
Aquarius - Water is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty.
Pisces - You missed your favourite song playing at your favourite club and that is really sad but you will become so addicted to Final Fantasy 14 in the next few months that it will not matter anymore.