Mystic Mittens


The Arts Block Cat reckons it’s better to get all that negativity out now before the break


Aries (March 21 – April 20)
You know the way it’s cold in Merville now? Well, it’s not really – yet. I predict you spend January and February smashing the ice in the bowl with a toilet brush before using the bathroom.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
Next semester, I foresee that you will become the C&C Officer. Well, it’s as likely to be you as anyone else.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Your bottom looks funny.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
“Would you like fries with that?” “Would you like fries with that?” Come on – practice. It’s only six months until graduation, you know.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)
You’re certain to get something interesting for Christmas – diagnosed.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)
For the next two weeks, keep your hands firmly jammed in your pockets while using bus, cars and any other form of motorised transport in order to prevent a horrific Final Destination-esque accident.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Here’s a prediction: if you get a slice of bread, lightly toast it, carefully split it down the middle to form to two thinner slices and toast it again a little bit and butter it, it’s really nice. The movements of the stars told me that.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
I’ve been working hard to get a precise and accurate prediction for you, so I decided to engage in the arcane art of card-reading. For you, I foresee – umm – the four of clubs?

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
It is probable that you will receive a gift of some sort in the next few weeks, possibly enclosed in a sort of brightly coloured paper. I know this sounds pretty crazy, but, hey, it could happen.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)
Mmm, sardines.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
You put the “win” in “swine flu”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Well, I was going to predict that the Virgin Mary would appear on the 5th December at 3pm at Knock Shrine. But then I thought, ‘Hey, Mittens, that’s just silly. Nobody’s gonna believe that.’