Mystic Mittens


Here to predict your future by licking the frogs that live in the Arts Block water supply…


Aries (March 21 – April 20)
As a consequence of the discovery of GRB 090423, I have no idea what’s going to happen you. Probably best if you just stayed at home. In the basement. You can borrow my tinfoil hat, if you like.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
You will find members of the opposite sex will be strongly attracted to you. Overcome the temptation and spurn them – they only want you for your toes.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Go short on British banks in the expectation of government divestment.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
Nom nom nom

Leo (July 24 – August 23)
South Dublin is going to run out of bananas at around 3pm on the 25th November. Start hoarding now, and do it quickly, before the other star signs catch on.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)
I know you’re the Belfield Bugler. Desist immediately, or I will be forced to report you to the relevant authorities. Or worse – Scottie.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
As suggested by the 2007 marketing campaign, Belly is gonna get ya. It’s only a matter of time, m’dear.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Remember to treat Nutella with the respect it deserves.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
It is looking increasingly likely that if you fail to curtail your excessive consumption of potatoes, you will turn into one.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)
This is your week. You can do it. It has been fated that this week you will finally be the person to figure out Martin Butler’s email puzzle.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Say cheese! No, really. Say it.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
“Is that a pair of wide-set hips in your pants, or are you just pleased to see me?” is a question that bears little relevance to predicting your future. Nonetheless, public discourse is sure to benefit profoundly from having it in print.