The Arts Block Cat soothes you by saying stuff. Because that’s what soothsayers do, yo
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
Purple is the answer. I don’t know what the question is, but the answer is definitely purple.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
The stars decree that you should ask a UCD gardener out on a date. Romance will surely blossom. Har har.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
This fortnight, you will be tempted to ask, “is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?” You were surprised to learn that it was, in fact, a gun – but only very briefly.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
Something deeply pleasurable will happen you in the next fortnight. Gravy will be involved.
Leo (July 24 – August 23)
You do know that top is transparent, don’t you?
Virgo (August 24 – September 23)
Go on. Do it. If you don’t run away to join the circus now, when will you?
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
To prevent serious injury befalling you, refrain from touching any object whose name begins with the letter P.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
You should really get that checked out properly, you know. If you don’t, it’ll just keep spreading.
Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)
You’re right – they are laughing at you behind your back. But you’ll have to worry about it all the time and keep turning around really, really fast to spot them.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Stop that. Not only is it a sin, it’s also unhygienic.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You know why the 10 doesn’t stop in UCD? It’s because all the drivers are avoiding you.