Eleka nahmen nahmen, ah tum ah tum, eleka nahmen! The universe has spoken through me and she has some things to say. Remember, as always, the OTwo takes zero responsibility for how you interpret these sacred visions. Make good choices, and if you make bad choices, email me at agony.aunt@universityobserver.ie to tell me about them!
Aquarius
The waters guiding your sign are storming, and you know why. Take the time to battle the swell and calm those seas or you risk going down with the ship! Band together your strongest crew and communicate the best you ever have. It’s life or death out there.
Pisces
What was that? Your peace is being invaded by an arachnid stinger who has no sense of style or decorum? Really, I thought better of you. Step on them. No good deed goes unpunished.
Aries
Cool the jets! You’ve been burning the candle at both ends this month, and this is your message from the universe to take a breather and allow yourself to see how far you’ve come!
Taurus
Blackmail is illegal in most places in the world. Most. Oh and look at that, Ryanair has a sale? Well buckle up buttercup, I hear that the Bermuda Triangle is lovely this time of year. Of course all of this could be solved with clearly communicating your needs and wishes but hey ho! There’s always next month, hun (derrogatory).
Gemini
Gemini we meet again. The universe has big things in store for you this cycle, well two big things, one for each personality. Prepare yourself accordingly. Keep your friends close, and those people who you sit beside in letures closer.
Cancer
Crabs!? Oh sorry your SIGN is the crab. Well at least we know that things could be worse, and they’re coming! No, please don’t cry, no stop–
Leo
Pope Leo said that “Evil will not Prevail!” But we should have asked him to confirm a time frame on that because here you are again! I’m kidding. This month look to the sun with bare eyes and reevaluate what indeed the world revolves around, because it sure ain’t you! Think of others, or even just less of yourself x
Virgo
Well first I must congratulate you on such a wonderful year thus far Virgo. Ever punctual, ever excellent. Genius. Welcome this period of calm and ease into your life with open arms. Remember, you ARE that girl (gender-neutral)
Libra
Is your name Glinda? Because you’re living in a bubble. Goodness knows you need help, and I’m not offering. This very much so sits above my handsome paygrade here at OTwo. The universe isn’t playing this cycle Libby. Lock in? Run? girl idek.
Scorpio
Something smells fishy. Protect your peace this month, and don’t let a slimy gill-breather dampen your vibe!
Saggitarius
It’s Phoebe Bridgers season but that doesn’t mean you know the end, the universe has some surprises in store for you yet. Keep pushing and remember to look good while doing it.
Capricorn
Is this thing on? Sorry, did you register on time? Cap, there’s nothing here for you x