Aries: Only in hindsight have you discovered that PsychSoc doesn’t stand for Psychic Society, but you don’t need Mittens to tell you how foolish you are; you already read everyone’s thoughts.

Taurus: The moon asked me to pass on a message saying, “I sent the wasps.”

Gemini: Beware the swans. They mostly come at night. Mostly.

Cancer: Have you ever seen the film Misery? No? Well then this will all be new to you …

Leo: One of your flatmates is secretly a cannibal. You’ll be pleasantly surprised to find out that it’s not the one who keeps smelling your hair.

Virgo: Naming a child after where they were conceived is never a classy idea. Your daughter will not appreciate the name Roebuck.

Capricorn: Follow your heart this week. If it and your body go in separate directions things will only end messily for you.

Scorpio: You will uncover the horrible secret concealed beneath the construction site at the back of the student centre. Yes. Lizard people.

Sagittarius: We all know what you’re thinking of doing and frankly, it’s only legal in Sweden.

Libra: We get it, it’s your birthday. You can remind us all you want, but you’ll still get no presents.

Aquarius: It’s time to tell your partner that you’ve been taking your relationship advice from a cat. Don’t worry, they’ll be totally cool with it.

Pisces: You are the human equivalent of Magikarp. You’re a weak specimen, but will find respite in the polluted, E. coli riddled waters of the UCD lake.