April 19th – May 13th

I know, I know; you’ve been back a week and 10am still feels way too early, but fear not, exams will soon be upon you and you’ll forget sleep ever existed.

May 14th – June 21st

The Voice, eh? You’ll watch anything, it seems.

June 22nd – July 20th

Gemini, you will eat that twin of yours and get fat. Well, at least that’s what your excuse will be for an inexplicable weight gain.

July 21st – August 10th

You will steal a couple of hundred grand, but don’t worry, it’ll take fifteen years and a few hundred million euro to prove you ever did anything. You’ll be dead by then.

August 11th – September 16th

Mad Men’s back; that’s good news. Maybe you’ll stop talking about it this week, but probably not.

September 17th – October 30th

Virgo sounds similar to virgin. That’s right! I’m predicting someone will give you your virginity back, or forcibly reinsert it, because that’s how that works. Top quality fortunes right here.

October 31st – November 23rd

In the event of a fire, toast some marshmallows. Don’t worry about the dog; his lungs were giving up on him anyway.

November 24th – November 29th

You will be urinated on from a great height. The assailant’s accuracy is so uncanny that I’d suggest you tip your hat to him, but you’d just get more piss in your hair.

November 30th – December 17th

So’s your face. Of course that makes sense. Shut up!

December 18th – January 20th

Your bus fares will rise by the day, but sure, you knew that anyway. Poor sod.

January 21st – February 16th

You will be crestfallen when SU shops run out of Paddy’s Day Natural Confectionery Company jellies and you have to start paying full price for them again. There’ll be no trumpets, only sad trombones.

February 17th – March 11th

As a Radiohead fan and massive hypochondriac, you will believe yourself to have contracted myxomatosis, but only rabbits get that. Silly billy.

March 12th – April 18th

You will find a dead body. Just keep on walking; snitches get stitches.