Aries (April 19th - May 13th)As Venus descends so will your rate of attendance. Stats show that that is a bad thing. Who knew?Taurus (May 14th – June 21st)Your results were great, yes. I advise that you don’t piss it all away with the celebratory crack binge.Gemini (June 22nd – July 20th)The future has not yet been decided and is up for debate in my mind. I like Whiskas, so none of that Tesco Value shit.Cancer (July 21st – August 10th)Not even I speak like one of those deranged lolcats; they give classy cats like me a bad name. Sit up straight and speak like a human being, you imbecile.Leo (August 11th – September 16th) I would like a “cheezburger" as well though, so get me one, or I’ll prove your degree worthless. You’re in Arts, you say? Never mind.Virgo (September 17th – October 30th) Before you go see The Artist, please note that the film is silent, in black and white and that cinemas do not offer refunds solely on the basis of your idiocy.Libra (October 31st – November 23rd)Going to a Super Bowl party this weekend, yeah? Just shout while doing your best Christian Bale as Batman impersonation and you will fit in perfectly.Scorpio (November 24th – November 29th)You’re grand and all, but I feel a leather jacket would make you seem even cooler.Ophiuchus (November 30th – December 17th)No, no, you’re not real. You can’t be. I’m just make-believing you, I know it. Pfft, Ophiuchus, like, why would that exist?Sagittarius (December 18th - January 20th) January was depressing; however, February is looking like it will be twice as bleak for you, Sagittarius. Lonely on Valentine’s Day much?Capricorn (January 21st – February 16th)Your career prospects will be looking up as a significant number of experts in your chosen field are killed/maimed in that rather convenient public transport crash.Aquarius (February 17th – March 11th) I try to keep away from personal hygiene advice, but for you I’ll make an exception. Deodorant. Buy some.Pisces (March 12th – April 18th)That new tutor is going to treat you as if there was never a Geneva Convention. Alright, that’s an exaggeration, but you’ll have to read a lot.