Aries (April 19 – May 13)
Mars’ transit means you will win the lottery. The winning numbers are; 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 4 again, and π.

Taurus (May 14 – June 21)
You’ll soon find out that that free condom from World Contraception Day had a hole in it. Serious awks.

Gemini (June 22 – July 20)
You will receive some pretty bad news from a Taurus. Sucks to be you.

Cancer (July 21 – August 10)
The position of the planets this week will definitely have an effect on something that happens to you.

Leo (August 11 – September 16)
Something is probably in retrograde, so celebrate by breaking out those old school report cards.

Virgo (September 17 – October 30)
Watch out this week for disease-spreading jam jars. They’re out to get you.

Libra (October 31 – November 23)
They wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it. Just surrender to mediocrity already.

Scorpio (November 24 – November 29)
You will encounter a kindly wise man. Punch him in the face and you will go far.

Ophiuchus (November 30 – December 17)
You will never become a real boy. What you gonna do, cry about it?

Sagittarius (December 28 – January 20)
Consider getting a haircut this week. You’re looking a lot like a member of 5ive. No, not the hot one.

Capricorn (January 21 – February 16)
Swollen elbows are the best you can hope for this week. Soz bbz.

Aquarius (February 17 – March 11)
Someone will try and bite your head, so either wear a helmet or season your scalp regularly.

Pisces (March 12 – April 18)
With Saturn’s rings still falling from the sky, you should probably consider looking up. Try not to get squished.