Fuck you Enda and your Honda Civic. Mystic Mittens is down to five lives after that collision

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You have flung around that invisible axe of power pretty convincingly so far. What happens when you’re caught out? Even Mittens doesn’t know.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You think you’ve passed all your exams, but those provisional Ds will quickly turn into permanent non-compensatable Es.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you got a nickel for every time you get robbed in the next two weeks, you’d have one nickel. You will still suffer from 18 knifepoint incidences. Think about it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Turkey leg, turkey breast, turkey sandwiches, turkey stew, turkey soup, turkey curry and turkey couscous equals turkey belly.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Cop on, life isn’t a Disney movie and you won’t get the girl/boy. Anyway, Leo-to-Leo procreation breeds colour blind children and feminazis.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

If you try and add that thing you pulled on Black Monday to your notchless belt, you’ve hit rock bottom.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

That ticking time bomb you left in Auntie Nora will come back to haunt you. An eight-fingered baby born in August raises many questions.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You can’t hide your weight behind facial hair forever. (This horoscope is not male specific).

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

After binging yourself on sweets that come by the tin load, the tapeworm in your belly is now fat, like you!

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Yet another year of Christbirthdaymas presents coagulate into one. Get revenge that lies outside the boundaries of the laws!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’re scared of change? Well change is scared of you!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your nickname as the “bunny suicide murderer” will catch on eventually. Don’t try and force it.