Mystic Mittens
By Mystic Mittens | Nov 30 2010
The recent stormy weather has somewhat skewed Mittens’ Zodiac forecasts, yet also made them more accurate. 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)You are in for some McLovin’ this week.Taurus (April 20 – May 20)The cloudy forecast made it difficult to talk to Mars and Venus. Mittens has no advice this week.Gemini (May 21 – June 20)You invented the cure to cancer last week, it’s somewhere in the bottom of your septic tank.Cancer (June 21 – July 22)Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean UCD aren’t after you.Leo (July 23 – August 22)Go for it! Your friend can't get angry if they don't know you sleep with their potential husband.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)You think you’re so clever, but everyone has already started their Christmas shopping.Libra (September 23 – October 22)You will win an FM104 competition for tickets to the royal wedding. In the interests of safety, don’t go!Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)Send chocolates this time. No one likes to eat plants.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)All your luck will come at once and fall in the shape of a grand piano.Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)Your negligence towards lecture attendance will have a negative correlation to exam performance.Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)You consistently let the side down and are not pulling your weight.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your friend has asked you to read out their horoscope. Make up a lie. Their reality is depressing.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)You are in for some McLovin’ this week.Taurus (April 20 – May 20)The cloudy forecast made it difficult to talk to Mars and Venus. Mittens has no advice this week.Gemini (May 21 – June 20)You invented the cure to cancer last week, it’s somewhere in the bottom of your septic tank.Cancer (June 21 – July 22)Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean UCD aren’t after you.Leo (July 23 – August 22)Go for it! Your friend can't get angry if they don't know you sleep with their potential husband.Virgo (August 23 – September 22)You think you’re so clever, but everyone has already started their Christmas shopping.Libra (September 23 – October 22)You will win an FM104 competition for tickets to the royal wedding. In the interests of safety, don’t go!Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)Send chocolates this time. No one likes to eat plants.Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)All your luck will come at once and fall in the shape of a grand piano.Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)Your negligence towards lecture attendance will have a negative correlation to exam performance.Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)You consistently let the side down and are not pulling your weight.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Your friend has asked you to read out their horoscope. Make up a lie. Their reality is depressing.