Mystic Mittens


The recent stormy weather has somewhat skewed Mittens’ Zodiac forecasts, yet also made them more accurate.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You are in for some McLovin’ this week.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The cloudy forecast made it difficult to talk to Mars and Venus. Mittens has no advice this week.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You invented the cure to cancer last week, it’s somewhere in the bottom of your septic tank.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean UCD aren’t after you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Go for it! Your friend can’t get angry if they don’t know you sleep with their potential husband.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You think you’re so clever, but everyone has already started their Christmas shopping.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will win an FM104 competition for tickets to the royal wedding. In the interests of safety, don’t go!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Send chocolates this time. No one likes to eat plants.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

All your luck will come at once and fall in the shape of a grand piano.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your negligence towards lecture attendance will have a negative correlation to exam performance.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You consistently let the side down and are not pulling your weight.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your friend has asked you to read out their horoscope. Make up a lie. Their reality is depressing.