Mystic Mittens is back and she knows where you’ve been and what you’re up to.

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Go find that lotto ticket from last week. €5 is a lot of money these days.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

The answers to your midterm are: D. B. C. E. A. A. C.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

The sudden decrease in your sex drive will pass. Just take those pills you saw on the internet.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)

So glad I’m not you right now. Orion really isn’t happy.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)

Some people are sheep, others are leaders. Baaaaaa.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)

Something may or may not occur within the next week. The crystal ball is fuzzy.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

I know about that recurring dream you have about your cousin. So does your mother.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

Don’t bother organising a big birthday party, no one will show up.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)

You will have a lucky streak this week, but the ends won’t justify the means.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)

You will meet a long lost friend today, but may not recognise them. You will also become fond of drag queens.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

If it’s any constellation, everyone else lied about passing that MCQ last week.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re loud, obnoxious and your classmates dislike you.