Mystic Mittens is back and she knows where you’ve been and what you’re up to.
Go find that lotto ticket from last week. €5 is a lot of money these days.
Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
The answers to your midterm are: D. B. C. E. A. A. C.
Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
The sudden decrease in your sex drive will pass. Just take those pills you saw on the internet.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
So glad I’m not you right now. Orion really isn’t happy.
Leo (July 24 – August 23)
Some people are sheep, others are leaders. Baaaaaa.
Virgo (August 24 – September 23)
Something may or may not occur within the next week. The crystal ball is fuzzy.
Libra (September 24 – October 23)
I know about that recurring dream you have about your cousin. So does your mother.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)
Don’t bother organising a big birthday party, no one will show up.
Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)
You will have a lucky streak this week, but the ends won’t justify the means.
Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)
You will meet a long lost friend today, but may not recognise them. You will also become fond of drag queens.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
If it’s any constellation, everyone else lied about passing that MCQ last week.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re loud, obnoxious and your classmates dislike you.