Aries (March 21 – April 20)Go find that lotto ticket from last week. €5 is a lot of money these days.Taurus (April 21 – May 21)The answers to your midterm are: D. B. C. E. A. A. C.Gemini (May 22 – June 21)The sudden decrease in your sex drive will pass. Just take those pills you saw on the internet.Cancer (June 22 – July 23)So glad I’m not you right now. Orion really isn’t happy.Leo (July 24 – August 23)Some people are sheep, others are leaders. Baaaaaa.Virgo (August 24 – September 23)Something may or may not occur within the next week. The crystal ball is fuzzy.Libra (September 24 – October 23)I know about that recurring dream you have about your cousin. So does your mother.Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)Don’t bother organising a big birthday party, no one will show up.Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)You will have a lucky streak this week, but the ends won’t justify the means.Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)You will meet a long lost friend today, but may not recognise them. You will also become fond of drag queens.Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)If it’s any constellation, everyone else lied about passing that MCQ last week.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)You’re loud, obnoxious and your classmates dislike you.