Well, Jonny Cosgrove has pulled it off. The 2011 UCD Ball lineup looks utterly phenomenal, and thankfully there’s not a Delorento to be seen, writes George Morahan

As you enter the arena (congratulating yourself for fooling security with your dodgy impression of a sober person), you’ll be treated to the soothing tones and melodies of Slayer. Expect to hear such well-loved anthems as ‘Raining Blood’ and ‘Dead Skin Mask’, a perfectly pleasant way to start a sure-to-be-glorious day.

Fellow Californians, Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All, will follow the thrash-metal legends. LA’s Droog-like, much-hyped skate-rap collective will treat a D4 running track to their relatable tales of gang rape and STDs, punctuating their rhymes with homophobic slurs all over a collection of beats heavily indebted to Ariel Pink by the sounds of it. All in all, we have a very easy-listening start to this year’s festivities.

Further up the bill, our esteemed leader has finally managed to get Girl Talk. This is a big deal. Instead of someone playing original content, we’ll have some snot-nosed DJ laying your favourite joints to rest with a giant machete. Would you like some Metallica with your Lil Mama? No problem, Mr Girl Talk is the man for you.

As dusk falls, expect pandemonium as pop megastar Rihanna comes onstage. All the men want her and all the women want to be her and she’ll be in Belfield for one night only. She can look forward to see an 8,000 strong crowd lapping every song up, half of them will assuredly have copied whatever hairstyle she has chosen that week, scarlet.

O-two is sure campus will be aflutter with ideas for collaborations between the ‘Umbrella’ singer and the xx, who will be second headlining act for the evening. David Cameron’s favourite band just loves their RnB and will surely pounce on the opportunity to mangle ‘Islands’ with ‘Only Girl in the World’.

And finally, the big news. Cosgrove has only gone and re-formed Pink Floyd for their first performance together since Live 8. Yes, you read that correctly, Pink Floyd! Jonny’s powers of persuasion truly cannot be matched. Expect tedium aplenty as the prog legends meander through three hours of deep cuts, sobering you up in time for ‘Wish You Were Here’. Enjoy.

Oh no, hold on a sec. There has been a last-minute change as Funeral Party have been announced to replace Pink Floyd. Frankly, we should all welcome the news with open arms. A band has never been more brimming with talent, originality and charisma and they are sure to make the fifth UCD Ball a talking point for years to come

*This article is a complete fabrication. Fight Like Apes will be back next fortnight (hopefully).