With the presidential election just around the corner, Rob Mac Carthy offers a song to soundtrack each prospective candidate’s campaign

Dana Rosemary Scallon

Dana – ‘All Kinds of Everything’

Let’s get the obvious one out of the way first. Painfully boring and uncreative though this selection is, it does at least mirror how painfully dull and uncreative poor Dana is. Without being too cruel to the Eurovision songstress, saccharine lyrics like ‘Snowdrops and daffodils/butterflies and bees’ do seem to sum up her, shall we say, ‘parochial’ approach to politics.

Martin McGuinness

The Prodigy – ‘Firestarter’

‘Firestarter’ is one of those face-shredding Prodigy songs that spits in your eyes and drags you down an alley to show you whats-what. This is certainly how McGuinness is viewed by his detractors, as a “trouble starter”. The onus is now on the Sinn Féin man to convince us that he’s not so much a ‘Firestarter’ as a ‘Ceasefire-starter’.

Gay Mitchell

Frank Sinatra – ‘That’s Life’

Needless to say, Ol’ Blue Eyes is not the musical counterpoint to Gay because they share an iconic sense of class and style. Instead, this song should teach Gay to accept that no matter how many different posters you put up, defeat is inevitable. Let’s just pray he does not ‘pick himself up and get back in the race’ in seven years time.

Seán Gallagher

Pink Floyd – ‘Money’

All the Dragon’s Den star wants to do is bring a bit of money back to poor aul’ Ireland. But perhaps someone should tell him that, as President, there’s piss-all he can do about our economy. Better still, maybe he should give the lyrics a listen (‘Money so they say/Is the root of all evil today’), abandon capitalism and go live with Dana in the Garden of Eden. In fact, maybe that’s our best option…

Mary Davis

Kaiser Chiefs – ‘Little Shocks’

‘Little Shocks’ is the rather tame new lead single from musical has-beens Kaiser Chiefs.“Who?” I hear you ask. On an unrelated note, Mary Davis is a rather tame new presidential candidate from political has-beens Fianna Fáil. “Who?” I hear you ask.

David Norris

Eric Carmen – ‘All by Myself’

Possibly the most self-pitying song ever written (ignoring Radiohead’s discography) it may as well have been purpose-written to soundtrack Norris’ presidential campaign. With constant attempts from all directions to destroy his dream of becoming president, it seems the perfect musical backing for a depressed Norris to curl up in the foetal position to. That said, the Israeli judiciary would probably advise ‘I Fought the Law (And the Law Won)’.

Michael D. Higgins

Black Eyed Peas – ‘My Humps’

Ah, Michael D, Ireland’s favourite politically-charged garden gnome. We all have a soft spot for the chirpy little man. But Otwo can’t be the only one who’d love if he really sexed up his presidential campaign. All we’re asking for is one party-political broadcast where Michael D is straddled by Fergie as she sings about her “lovely, lady lumps.” Seriously Michael D, give sleaze a chance.