After spending the past fortnight lolling about on the sofa watching repeats of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Mittens’ parents told her to get back to work, so here she isAriesApril 19th - May 13thThis week, you will find an old Goosebumps novel in the second hand bookshop. You will also discover that they do not stand up.TaurusMay 14th – June 21stRemember, your choice of animal hat is not as important as getting to your medieval literature exam on time. Chaucer waits for no man.GeminiJune 22nd – July 20thPrepare for the unexpected, as a beloved family pet's funeral takes a sexy turn.CancerJuly 21st – August 10thOf course you’re more talented than all The X Factor contestants combined. That’s why you’re sat in front of the TV on a Saturday night, gorging yourself on cheesy blasters.LeoAugust 11th – September 16thRelax, the fact that you’ve completed Skyrim multiple times is sure to make you irresistible to whoever you have your eye on.VirgoSeptember 17th – October 30thEven though you’ve been wishing for snow and the big man upstairs owes you one, you should still revise.LibraOctober 31st – November 23rdAs Mercury begins to splangulate, get ready to hear to some made-up words.ScorpioNovember 24th – November 29thRemember that Garda you pissed on during the protests? Well, he’s found your details and he’s not happy.OphiuchusNovember 30th – December 17thYour attempt at watching the entirety of The West Wing is hardly timely and will only be marginally helpful in preparing you for your politics exams.SagittariusDecember 18th - January 20thOnline dating: I’m afraid it’s the way to go.CapricornJanuary 21st – February 16thBeware of bottles of water with a human finger floating in it - nothing supernatural here, just sound advice.AquariusFebruary 17th – March 11thSo, you haven’t gotten the shift in a while, but brighter skies are on the horizon. I hear the announcer at the UCD exams is single and lookin’.PiscesMarch 12th – April 18th