Darlings, time to get red carpet ready as my favourite season is upon us: Awards Season.
Darlings, time to get red carpet ready as my favourite season is upon us: Awards Season. Oh the thrill of the cameras flashing, the glamour, the mirror selfies, the horrible food, and most importantly the awards themselves. Of course your darling Aunt E was only one Emmy away from her EGOT when Streep pulled that rug right out from under her. It’s tacky to dwell.
I thought we could have our own little award show right here in the column, you know the budget stretches far here at the UO so whomever wrote in, expect your award at your door very soon. Without further ado…Nieces, Nephews, Nibings, Welcome to the Aunt E Awards!
[skip the opening number we don’t have time]
Award for saddest prompt goes to:
“My friends have a second group chat without me, what do I do?”
My darling, take Aunt E’s word for it when she says; it is very intentional. I’m sorry! I don’t mean to upset you, I mean to help you. When my good friend Mel Robbins was writing her book she asked me for advice on the publishers picking apart her ideas. I simply told her, as I tell you: “Let Them”. (I get 12c for each use now!) If these people have gone to such lengths as starting a second group chat without you, it is a deliberate move. And you now have the deliberate opportunity to break free from those brats and start afresh. Mean people will be mean people, it’s in their blood. You know that you deserve better and you will find better. Let Them.
Award for best original complaint:
“My friends don’t like my boyfriend and I don’t know why!!”
Now this is a serious concern, this is what I’m talking about readers! Apologies, back to you. First we must establish some context (you’re all very brief with your write-ins), and assume that this is not a pattern with your friends or indeed boyfriends. We must also assume that your friends are looking out for you, as friends tend to do. Finally we must rule out any obviously hairy encounters that have led us to this predicament. You know what the next step is: talking to the ruling council (your friends) about it. Oh the woes! But really you must. Friendships last longer than any romantic relationship you’ll ever be in, but your boyfriend is still an important part of your life. I would approach the conversation with care, with a listening ear and a desire for mutual consolidation. Your friends wouldn’t steer you wrong, trust the friendship, but most importantly trust your heart and make a decision that is right not for them, or your boyfriend, but you.
Award for worst date:
“Hamnet. Imaxx.”
That is truly all they wrote. Oh god. That is not just a bad date, that might be the worst date of all time. Can we get an editor check on this please, Adam? Confirmed. That is the worst date of all time. Paul Mescal ruining relationships yet again, will he ever be stopped? When will we learn that cinema first dates are a no-go people? You arrive, maybe have a drink before, immediately stop the flow to sit in silence with this person you’re trying to get to know. You don’t focus on the film because you’re thinking about that weird thing they said earlier, and the way your bag got stuck on the door, and the fear that they might do that horrible yawn-stretch-arm-across-you thing, which is the worst because the seats are so far apart. And now you’re disrespecting Hamnet with this tacky and low-effort first date. Wrap this shit up, honestly. But of course protect cinema, you don't want to be working in ballet or opera, or, you know, things where it’s like “Hey keep this thing alive,” even though it– sorry, that was Timothee’s prompt not mine. In conclusion, you win. Worst date ever.
Aunt E thanks you for joining her tonight at the 1st annual Aunt E Awards, and thank you to our sponsors Adam and Orla. Remember, you are all winners in my eyes, art, like life, is not a competition and I truly believe–[Cue music and credits]
Thank you and Goodnight!