Laura Molloy discusses the five different love languages.
It has been well established in modern media that there are five love languages; words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time, and acts of service. There are many quizzes you can take for free online to determine which identifies most with you, but what do each of the love languages mean?
- Words of affirmation: saying supportive things to your partner.
- Acts of service: doing something helpful for your partner.
- Receiving gifts: giving your partner gifts that tell them you were thinking about them.
- Quality time: spending meaningful time with your partner.
- Physical touch: being close to and caressed by your partner.
Love languages became a popular concept after the publication of the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by the Baptist pastor Dr Gary Chapman in 1992. The main thesis of the book was that we all have a “lovetank” that needs to be filled. To do this, we must learn the love language of our partner(s).
This highlights a key issue with love languages; how one likes to be loved and appreciated is not always how they like to show it. For example, one person may love buying gifts for someone, but they don’t care about receiving gifts themselves. Instead, something like quality time may be more important to them.
It is also important to note that love languages are nothing but preferences. Someone’s love language being quality time is not a free pass for buying them a birthday gift - although, you may consider getting them a trip or experience together.
It has been reported that there is a lack of scientific foundation in the concept of love languages, giving them little credibility. According to Psychology Today, “a 2017 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that while expressing love in ways a partner values is beneficial, it is not necessarily linked to the five love languages”.
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned relationship scientist, has identified in his work far more reliable predictors of relationship success such as emotional responsiveness. The basics of love language are about paying attention to, and understanding your partner’s emotional needs. In other words, they’re about making the other person seen and understood.
Successful relationships do not require following a set criteria of behaviour that modern websites or Tiktoks dictate.
One of Gottman’s most important findings is that healthy relationships are built on bids for connection - small moments where one partner reaches out and the other responds.
“A bid can be as simple as saying, Look at this funny video, or making a comment about your day. Couples who have lasting, satisfying relationships are those who consistently turn toward their partner’s bids instead of ignoring or dismissing them”. (Psychology Today)
Bids require a balance of love languages as otherwise these small moments may be missed.
Successful relationships do not require following a set criteria of behaviour that modern websites or TikToks dictate. It requires communicating and listening to the needs and wants of your partner. While love languages can be a good starting point, they should not be taken as black and white. Otherwise, you may find yourself facing a breakup.