Another year has come to an end in this cesspool of privilege and ineffectual council, and now we sit in sober and sombre silence, for the Librocop awakens to begin his rounds. Like the chains of Marley’s ghost, Talley is bound by duty and a sardonic sense of humour to these walls of human disgrace, to give one last commentary, the likes of which will live on when the SU’s supposed careers have fallen to ruin.
Barry Murphy, facing the end of his
tyranny tenure in the SU corridor, is set to move on to greener pastures in the land of the free and the home of the politically questionable. Following in the footsteps of his idol, Francis Underwood, Murphy is going to try his hand at underhanded deals on a special training program once the last of his office’s foundations crumble under the weight of his expanding ego. Something tells Talley, that Murphy will fit right in with the Trump administration, and hopefully they’ll ask him to stay there. Good riddance, you tree-hugging hippie.
Much like his determination to stay beyond last-call in the Clubhouse, Tom Monaghan is ignoring common courtesy and is instead being a hindrance to everyone around him, by is hoping to stick around campus and become the new Ents Officer. Monaghan believes his ability to “tell people what they want to hear” will help bring more entertainment events to the SU next year. Express your cynicism all you want, but who are we to judge, telling people what they want to hear is what got him elected in the first place? Would you like sauce with that promised golden goose anyone?
Plunkett is a difficult one to pinpoint what she’ll do next. Having spent the year dealing with the whinging masses, it seems doubtful she’ll ever want to go back to midwifery. Dealing with these sex-ridden miscreants would make anyone want to pack up and leave this society to burn. No, Talley believes this battle-hardened activist, will take her own sabbatical and pick up a hobby. Perhaps try your hand at painting.
Stephen “I heart group projects” Crosby, having spent his year with his head in the books and remaining unaffected by the bitterness of Union politics, is looking to move into the career of a jester. Talley spoke to Crosby briefly and let me tell you, those jokes on “all working together to benefit students” and “giving people money to help with study” had me on the floor in tears with laughter. That’s how the saying goes, isn’t Tom?
Having revealed his true fetish for reducing people to tears in his final days of office, Niall Torris plans to continue down the psychology road and delve more into casework. Talley commends you Niall, on your pursuit for true job satisfaction.
Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.