Hosting a dinner party? Look no further than the godsend of joke recipes, writes Ciarán Howley.
If you know me, you know I hate cooking. In this day and age to be honest, I don’t really have any excuses except that I’m lazy and think door-delivery apps are humanity’s greatest invention.
I went to an all-boys’ school which challenged absolutely zero stereotypes by not offering Home Ec. When I lived in the Netherlands, the cost of groceries was so high, with an avocado setting you back four or five quid, I lived in a delirium where I could happily describe a bowl of soup or porridge as “a meal.”
And presently, a cost-of-living crisis rages across supermarket aisles which isn’t leaving folks in an adventurous or experimental mood when it comes to preparing a nice home-cooked meal.
There comes a point however when you, under the heat lamp of social pressure, invite your friends for dinner. It’s been everyone’s turn to cook a meal…except you.
There comes a point however when you, under the heat lamp of social pressure, invite your friends for dinner. It’s been everyone’s turn to cook a meal…except you.
It’s not that a pizza and chips wouldn’t do the job, but maybe it’s a special occasion, or they’re meeting your girlfriend or boyfriend for the first time. Despite the hassle, you do want the people in your life to know they mean more to you than an oven pizza from Aldi.
So you take the plunge. It sounds simple- fun, even, - drinks, grub…how hard can it be?
And then you realise how incredibly hard it is. As you pour over an old cookbook and trawl through sites like BBC Good Food you realise…I’m completely screwed.
From the sheer number of ingredients in a recipe to the time it takes to prepare and cook…you’d only just get home from work before the guests swing by. A more proactive person might take a few days to put the meal together. Well, if that’s you just stop reading please. You’re making the rest of us feel bad.
Generation Z is consistently proving itself as the 24/7 gen. No one has the time to prove sourdough for hours…even if you’re the friend who saved me from a moving train or a stray bullet. Sorry.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect has proved disappointingly reliable in my experience with the culinary arts. The phenomenon describes what happens when people who don’t know what they don’t embark on something they lack the skills to finish. As such, most people think cooking is chill when it’s absolutely not.
A more proactive person might take a few days to put the meal together. Well, if that’s you just stop reading, please. You’re making the rest of us feel bad.
Sometimes I find myself living in this bubble that it’ll all be fine and dandy, which I largely attribute to watching too much Friends as a teenager. Monica made it look so easy. She had her own flat in New York city, a doting husband and a job as a chef in a Michelin star restaurant.
From dishes modelled after sitcoms (the Simpsons “I Love You” spelled in Bacon & Eggs) to Robert Pattinson’s cursed pasta recipe.
And then I realise my life isn’t an overrated 90s sitcom. Things actually take work and practice and dedication….and Monica and Ross’ parents were loaded. Looking back, it’s obvious they helped pay the rent on that flat.
Regardless! While it took a long time to get here, if you - like me - are culinarily challenged, look no further than the Godsend of insincere recipes. From dishes modelled after sitcoms (the Simpsons “I Love You” spelled in Bacon & Eggs) to Robert Pattinson’s cursed pasta recipe.
These recipes save you the embarrassment of revealing you can’t cook while doing something fun and low-risk that everyone will find funny / tasty because it’s so unhealthy. After all, you’re not their nutritionist. And once you serve it with a couple of cocktails (and mocktails for your friends who don’t drink), it usually goes down a treat.
When it was my turn to bite the bullet, the vodka pasta recipe of one Gigi Hadid called out to me. It was so utterly simple - a five-year-old could have made it which means I stood a fairly good chance.
From dishes modelled after sitcoms (the Simpsons “I Love You” spelled in Bacon & Eggs) to Robert Pattinson’s cursed pasta recipe.
I will learn to cook eventually.…For my future husband when I become the trad-wife he needs to support his hectic 9-9 as a corporate financier. And his portfolio will absolutely be bulging. Until then, it’s Gigi Hadid’s vodka pasta recipe for guests who come to call. It’s strangely delicious and there’s something about the mix of cream and vodka that hits in a way it shouldn’t. And it tastes just as nice if you want to go without the vodka.