Irish War on Women enters 98th year

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons: Sinn Féin

Ever since the formation of the Irish Free State in 1922, Fine Gael and Fianna Fail have bravely led offensives against single mothers, inmates of Mother and Baby Homes, pro-choice activists, teachers and care workers, among many others.

"The barbarian hordes cannot be allowed to breach our gates," Varadkar declared in a televised speech from his home last Saturday. "We stand to lose everything we hold dear, like our golf courses and billionaire funding. Our very way of life is at stake." 

Reporting directly from the frontlines, reporter Randy Peaks interviewed several heroic veterans from the trenches of Daíl Éireann. "We have secured a tremendous victory against women's rights to-day," a battle-worn Micheál Martin said as he clutched his commemorative notebook to his chest. "Our brave boys have made a huge push after our tragic loss during the Repeal Campaign. This will go down in history." He looked for approval to his commanding officer, Leo Varadkar, who nodded in assent from a neighbouring trench still being dug by Petty Officer Eamon Ryan, who has been at it for four months. "We have won this day," Varadkar said stirringly to his troops. "But our battle is far from over. We will retake our honour and show those uppity women their place." 

Varadkar's brigade celebrated their win with a round of pints sponsored by Debenhams, then discussed their next major assault. "It has been a successful month. We've already captured CervicalCheck Hill, and Second Lieutenant Stephen Donnelly is leading the charge against the nurses on the Western Front," Martin said proudly. "Unfortunately, Captain Simon Harris has faced some setbacks, but he assures us that the enemy agents owning him on Twitter will give any day now."