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If You Khan Dream It You Khan Do It, with Genghis Khan

Dear Khan,

I’ve had a good relationship with Guinness all my life. It’s been there for me since the first time I went knacker drinking to the last preggers bird I walked out on. I know Guinness and me have something special. But ever since they cancelled Aurthur’s Day things have been different – I feel like Diageo left me standin’ in the rain. I’ve tried downing other pints at a minute to 6, but they just don’t get me as fucked. Should I keep trying to hold on to that painful love, or move on?


I’m sorry to hear you’ve been feeling stuck and unsupported by gargle, AAron. Sometimes we just need that small touch of magic in our lives that severe overdependence on intoxicants give us – it’s as special as the smile on a child’s face on Christmas morning, or the bloodshed of 1000 forsaken enemies.
Unfortunately, Diageo has betrayed you – and now it is right for you to kill them. Kill them all. I remember when I was 14, my half-brother Behter stole a fish and a lark that I had caught, I went to find him, to explain the misunderstanding, we laughed about it together. And then I immediately slew him because he wronged my reputation.
It’s always tricky to let go of the drink that’s closest to your heart – you’ll find it’s a lot easier if you start believing in yourself, thinking positively, and abducting women and children belonging to the Diageo tribe.

Khan x


Hey Genghy,

I’m in love with one of my cousins. He’s completely right for me, we can talk for hours, tell each other anything and we laugh hardest at each other’s jokes. Plus the riding’s been unreal <3 I know riding your cousin is like, “wrong”, or something. But I really like riding my cousin. Is that bad? Since that side of the family only moved back from Australia last year, it doesn’t even feel like we’re related. If I imagine hard enough that we’re not real cousins, will it become true? Need your help!



Hey doll,

That’s a hard one. What you and your cousin have been doing is technically illegal in many places, and society looks down on intrafamilial ugly-bumping unforgivingly. They say that Family Comes First. But isn’t it true that they also say Get the Ride? Because they do, and you should.
At the start of my marriage, I somehow felt guilty for thinking about other women, including my own family members. But before long I was dating in every new minority group whose tribe we massacred, and it changed my life! It also changed the genetic heritage of 16 million people, since 0.5% of the male population in thw world today are descended from me. So in reality, the practice is still thriving, most of those people don’t even realise they’re related until after they’re rattled at least one of their distant relatives.  Sleeping around was the best decision I ever made, just block out the negative energy, ignore the haters, and continue bangin’ your cousin – you owe it to yourself

Khan x