“I can save the Student’s Union”, says candidate who almost certainly won’t - The Harpy

A UCD student has made the startling claim that they have the knowledge and interpersonal skills required to improve the Student Union’s reputation, despite all evidence to suggest the contrary. Olaf Dem, a candidate applying for each individual sabbatical position, has stated during their campaign trail that they’re aware of the issues with the Union, but honestly believe that they can be the exception to the rule, despite years of stagnation and a massive dip in quality of Student Union activity.

While Olaf Dem knew all the fundamental details, such as which boards they would be sitting on, how the Student Centre staff take their coffee and which Republican chants are permitted in the Clubhouse, they had no clear ideas on how they would actually solve the Union’s issues with it’s image. In their opening statements during Hustings, Olaf Dem seemed to only focus on buzzwords and topics that they thought students would be interested in, like burrito bars or condoms without holes in them.

“Look, I know that a lot of people have lost their faith in the Union’s ability to represent students since we actively tried to silence information from abortion services, but I think that if we just bring back Ents everything will be just fine”, Olaf Dem said with a sickly sweet smile. “Honestly if we had just let Katie stick around and do her thing then no one would have actually cared what we did.” While the Hustings took place, campaign manager John Diss could be seen sweating profusely, wiping his brow and muttering to himself “Why did I agree to do this, I have final exams next week?”

In the questions and answers section, several questions were raised about how Olaf Dem would actually help the students of UCD and represent them on the national stage. Olaf Dem seemed to only be able to repeat several points over and over again, and kept promising the impossible, such as annexing Donnybrook or bringing back the UCD Ball.

“We are committed to improving the union for the sake of everyone and not just run generic events, such as throwing hoops at dildos or calling in washed up stars from the 90’s to dance in an empty Astra Hall”, Olaf Dem claimed, while showcasing all the signs that this almost certainly all that the Student Union would be able to do this year. While it was clear that they were eager and willing to try and learn how to do the job, it was painfully clear that Olaf Dem would be like the rest of the sabbatical officers that have passed through the Union in the past few years.

As the Hustings came to a close, it was clear to those in attendance that the Union was a runaway train, ready to crash and burn in a fiery blaze, taking down all who are involved with it. One UCD student expressed his deep concern for the sake of the Union and the possibility of its total demise leaving UCD a national embarrassment to the student body, but they said “at least we got the microwaves out of it before everything went totally to shit." The current sabbatical officers were unavailable for comment when The Harpy reached out to speak to them, but the sounds of champagne being uncorked and chants of “Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio” could be heard clearly coming from the boardrooms of the Student Union’s offices in the Old Student Centre. When approached for comment, Olaf Dem declined, saying “I don’t trust any of those student run papers, they only look to attack candidates and making us look ridiculous”. We at The Harpy look forward to seeing Olaf Dem provide many chances for us to do exactly that over the next year.