How to… Go on a date, Irish style

You just buy her a bag of chips, right? Wrong – here’s Agony Anto’s guide to treating your laydee

Furst of awl, yeh have te meet yer one in a pub. Has to be a pub – reet. And not only a pub, like a shit-drinkers one, but rathder a fancy-type one. It has te have noice cushions and the wallpaper and art-shite on the walls of de place. So yor date tinks ye appreciate dat kind of bollix.Ask lowids of questions te begin with coz ye don’t want yer date te tink that yer a fuckin spastic with too much time on his hands. Number Wan Rule: Ask, Ask, and Ask again – but be careful not te sound like yer fookin’ interogattin’ whore.I haff te also point ou' dat dis part of the date will be horrible and ugly. You’ll probably lack confidence in yurself and end up soundin’ like a complete gobshite. Don’t wuddy dough – it'll get bettar as time passes through de evening.After de both of yis have yisser tree of four gargles lashed down yisser troat, de constant inspection of yer date becomes quite obvious…how and ever, they’ll actually start to believe dat you’re de only wan who ‘understands’ dem when, realistically, all you’ve done is, well, bawt dem a few drinkie-winks, said “Really! Wow!” at de reet times.Soon enuf dough, last orders’re up and yi’l haf to move onto a club. A helpful matimatics buddie of mine put dis into equation fer me:X (drinks consumed) + Y (questions asked) = Yes to nightclub (x=5 and y=65)Dhrink sum more in the nightclub and wait for yer date to ask you to go dancin’, refuse once, then agenn – and if the request is still der, on the turd request accept then give it large on the floor. It is essential dat u make a complete tit of yurself on de floor and be funny and aware of how cheesy your dancing is and don’t be too leery at dis point.Go get food wit yur date, don’t bang on too much about your culinary skills and make sure to ask for extra ketchups to give to yer date who will have invariably forgotten. Stress dat u wouldn’t normally eat in this fastfood joint and you know a great restaurant (hintin at anudder date).The awkward walk/taxi home… only make the offer for yur date te go te yur place if u are extremely horny and there has been a lot of touchy-feely going on... otherwise wait for the offer from your date, pay for the taxi and tell de cabbie he can keep the change as it suggests u r de generous type. Proceed into the house and drink a little more, your date (if female) will probably not make the direct offer to go to the bedroom and at this stage you’ll probably be bored of her… so stretch your arms, yawn a bit and say you’re knackered and ask if there’s an available bed anywhere. This is the key moment of the date where you’ll find out if the sex will be offered.Remember, you kin stop a Johnnie bein’ born if u just wear wan.