The Art, Design & Technology Director takes time out of his busy schedule to advise students on how to up their level of great

Not everyone receives a NASA medal for being a totally great and effortlessly cool guy, so I was understandably surprised and pleased last week when I received the very first one. I wish I could say it was hard work and dedication that got me where I am today, but I think that would detract from the ‘effortless’ aspect of my prize.

Anyway, since I’m still contractually obliged to continue designing the University Observer for the rest of the year, I figured I might as well try and share my successes with the naff students of UCD. As they say in Beavers; ‘share, share, share’. Plus, I’m pretty sure the editors don’t read past page eight in the paper and there was a gap where that exposé on the declining condition of the UCD concrete was supposed to go.

A lot of people learn how to be cool from watching movies. This is a totally fallacy. Despite how cool a character may seem, in all likelihood they’re just an actor, aka a dork, saying things a screenwriter, aka a nerd, think sounds cool. In films, when danger is approaching, characters often stare for ages at whatever is running towards them instead of just running away immediately like a normal person would. They are fools.

Never try and imitate the methods used in American TV to seduce people, as none of these will work. This is because in America the electricity runs at 60Hz and here is Europe it runs at 50Hz. Anyone you convince to copulate with you using American TV methods will flicker quite badly, which will be incredibly distracting.

People find positivity attractive, but find it repulsive when someone someone describes themselves as ‘positive’ or talk about ‘positivity’ or is HIV ‘positive’. I realise I am running the gauntlet by throwing the ‘P’ word around, but I figure it’s worth the risk, for your sake. See, I’m all right. Also, HIV is easier to cure than the common cold now, so stop being a jerk.

I think the most tragic moment of optimism I have on a regular basis is when you see council workers resurfacing a road and think to myself, ‘oh, maybe the road’s going to be nicer to cycle on now.’

I like builders, despite all the ones I’ve ever worked with making me massively uncomfortable. Like how a panda would feel if mistakenly adopted by a pack of polar bears. It would try to hunt fish and be camouflaged against the snow but would ultimately be too slow and too black to do so. That’s not racism by the way, as panda are partially black. Plus I’m the panda in that analogy so if it was racism, it would be positive racism. For more on pandas, see the science section.

For the first time in my life, I’ve managed to grow some reputable facial hair this last month. I’ve no shortage of hair on other parts of my body (arms, genitals, etc). Some would say I am hairy to a fault but I’ve never had a proper beard before. It has almost halved the weekly number times children tell me I look like Harry Potter.

I’m enjoying it, although I now can’t sense if there’s stuff on 30% of my face. I almost kissed my girlfriend with a big gloop of nasal semi-solid on my moustache last week. Luckily she doesn’t worry about my feelings and rapidly moved her head out of the way.

I began the deconstruction of my beard after the issue one of the paper went to print by shaving my chin. As it is the bit of my face gravity directs most food that didn’t make it into mouth it seemed sensible to begin the deforestation with this area. I am currently sporting mutton chops and a moustache; a look I like to call ‘The Confederate Barkeep’.

I will shave myself clean later this week, as November is starting and all twats and charitable types will start growing moustaches in aid of ‘Movember’. Let me tell you kids, the two least cool things on planet earth are trends and charity.

In summary, why not follow me on Twitter. My handle is @ConorOToole. It’s my name with punctuation and white space removed. I’d better get back to laying out News now. TTYL later.