Horoscopes: Mystic Mittens

Terrifying predictions abound as Mystic Mittens returns with her fortnightly splice of foreboding info

Aries (March 21 – April 20)The alignment of the stars suggests that you have improbable beliefs.Taurus (April 21 – May 21)If it’s any consolation, I don’t think you’re ugly Gemini (May 22 – June 21)On October 21st, go to classroom A109 at 1.23pm. Your soul mate will be there. With cake. Cancer (June 22 – July 23)You will develop a new allergy this fortnight but I don’t want to spoil the surprise.Leo (July 24 – August 23)Fame is closer than you think. Marry your sister and go on Jeremy Kyle.Virgo (August 24 – September 23)You will have a falling out with your best friend this fortnight but stick to your instinct; no matter what the court says.Libra (September 24 – October 23)For good luck, wear green. For really good luck, paint everything but yourself green.Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)While you were reading this, someone stole your bike.Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)Try to go to bed earlier. And then get up later. Get someone to incept your lecture notes.Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)Buy me a burrito for, erm... luck or somethingAquarius (January 21 – February 19)The moon in Aquarius today conjuncts Pluto and sextiles Venus. I hope that helps.Pisces (February 19 – March 20)Expect a financial windfall this fortnight. In fact, why not start spending now?