Terrifying predictions abound as Mystic Mittens returns with her fortnightly splice of foreboding info

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

The alignment of the stars suggests that you have improbable beliefs.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

If it’s any consolation, I don’t think you’re ugly

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

On October 21st, go to classroom A109 at 1.23pm. Your soul mate will be there. With cake.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23)

You will develop a new allergy this fortnight but I don’t want to spoil the surprise.

Leo (July 24 – August 23)

Fame is closer than you think. Marry your sister and go on Jeremy Kyle.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23)

You will have a falling out with your best friend this fortnight but stick to your instinct; no matter what the court says.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

For good luck, wear green. For really good luck, paint everything but yourself green.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

While you were reading this, someone stole your bike.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22)

Try to go to bed earlier. And then get up later. Get someone to incept your lecture notes.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 23)

Buy me a burrito for, erm… luck or something

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)

The moon in Aquarius today conjuncts Pluto and sextiles Venus. I hope that helps.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Expect a financial windfall this fortnight. In fact, why not start spending now?