HARPY EXCLUSIVE: UCD Societies Council cracks down on Societycest epidemic

A new pandemic has come knocking in UCD and the reckoning is soon to come

Raise your hand if you have been personally victimised by members of (too many to keep track of) UCD Societies during Freshers’ Week. 

Forgive them Father, they know not what they have done. While they are hoping to persuade students to join a group of like-minded people who share a common interest for the same hobby; sources revealed to The University Observer they might instead be leading them toward a dark path to too much fun. 

Indeed, multiple students who have chosen to remain anonymous have exposed claims of “societycest”. 

The University Observer is a respectable publication and therefore abstains from any vulgar language. As such the aforementioned practice can only be defined as a means for latent members and committees to “release a bit of steam”. The whistleblower who first brought this story to our attention has revealed this is a common denominator between every student signed into a UCD society. 

Unfortunately, word has reached the ears of the Societies’ Council which has extended a society-wide communication to the all-student email citing “Any fraternising between members of the same society is forbidden as entrance into a society is equivalent to adoption into a family”. 

The correspondence continued saying: “Any student(s) caught in such a promiscuous position, will need to return their society entrance fee and face expulsion from both the society and college”. 

Speaking to The University Observer, a student who has chosen to remain anonymous said: “This is sort of ridiculous really. I don’t see how it’s any of the college’s business...What about other societies, though?”.

A source has notably revealed that DramSoc is a seasoned practitioner, with the Trampoline section coming in close second. While we are left to ponder the logistics of that last revelation, we’d like to extend a word of caution to those who pass through the Societies Corridors on any given day. Suspicious behaviour has been reported: namely the disappearance of motion sensors and the ever increasing noise levels coming from the Music Society Jam sessions. Our journalistic integrity tells us there is evil afoot. 

Frankly, this revelation itself does not come as a surprise but the extent of the phenomenon does leave one a bit perplexed. The University Observer would therefore ask that anyone who wishes to partake in such hedonistic behaviour abstain from the following areas: The UCD Clubhouse Bar and The UCDTV, LnH, LGBTsoc and DramSoc offices as these are all locations our virtuous staff frequently pass by to reach ours. This leads us into our next and final order of business. The University Observer would like to warn any students that the Observer office does not, under any circumstance, allow such behaviour. As seasoned newspeople, we of course have the place bugged and infrared lights on hand. We would really hate for Watergate to have a sister scandal so close to the end of term. 

As of February 2024, no evidence has been found that The University Observer is partaking in societycest. We’d like to further dispel claims that aim to infer otherwise: The University Observer is a student publication and not a society. Furthermore, if anyone happens to hear incongruous noises coming from our dimly lit office, know that it is just our editorial team work on a particularly thorny issue. Nothing more and nothing less. Despite our best efforts, that is unlikely to change. 

The University Observer, always dedicated to sharing impactful and truthful news, would like to inform students that intersociety relations are allowed though uncouth. Do with that what you will.