Everything seems to have its “maths” these days - and UCD has its very own, too.

By Olivia Gardenia | Nov 23 2023

That maths would be the protagonist of one of the latest Internet trends was definitely not on our bingo card, especially considering the rather difficult relationship many people have with this godforsaken discipline. However, and I cannot believe I am saying this, this trend is a fun way to explain the reasoning behind our poor life decisions - particularly financial ones. Importantly, this trend allowed us to finally admit that maths does help make sense of things. Living in the walls of UCD, The Harpy has carefully observed the behaviour of the college’s population, and we are pleased to introduce our readers to UCD MATHS. 

• If you bring your lunch from home, you save money, time, and your taste buds from campus food - but you will experience FOMO and UCDSU Meal Deal withdrawals.  
• If you fill your water bottle in Newman, you are 77% likely to be visited by the Ghosts of your Past, Present, and Future within two days. 
• The more classes you have in Newman, the more Medals of Valour you are likely to receive at the end of your degree. Unfortunately, however, you are not automatically entitled to your degree - and we are deeply sorry about it. 
• If you have never been personally victimised by a seagull, we are afraid you cannot say you have been to UCD. 
• If you find your coursemates on Hinge (or any dating app), you are wasting your time. If you don’t find them, you are also wasting your time. 
• If you pretend not to see your coursemates whilst walking around campus, you are 78% more likely to sit next to them in that one lecture you have together. 
• If you are part of a society, especially the most (in)famous ones, other people are 97% more likely to think you are part of a cult.
• If you listen to the Paper Round on Belfield FM, you will wake up with the inexplicable urge to write a slow-burn, 40k words, enemies-to-lovers fic about the Observer and the College Tribune that relies on the forced proximity trope. 
• If you can name more than two UCDSU Sabbat Officers, you cannot write for the College Tribune.
• If you study in Smurfit, you spare the mental toll that comes with dealing with Belfield shenanigans. You are, however, more likely to develop a victim complex. 
• If you commute to campus with the 17 bus throughout your degree, LawSoc will automatically present you with a Lifetime Achievement Award. 
• If the Clubhouse is your go-to bar for a pint, you are 62% more likely to lose your credibility as a functional member of society. 
• If you spend your afternoons studying in the Library in wintertime, you are 79% more likely to lose your will to live than if you had stayed home. 
• If you attended any of the coffee mornings organised by the University Observer, you are likely to be the only person who showed up. You are also likely to be one of the few people who did not get lost trying to find the Observer’s office - and we applaud you for that. 
• If you read the University Observer, you are queer. And if you say you are not, we have news for you.