Where to begin? Well, it’s been a very rough week for me. Apart from recording The University Observer’s sport’s show, which was super fun, I’ve had some really hard choices to make. I’ve been forced to compromise my morals, ditch two men and take a points hit and it’s only Saturday morning.

Let me explain…

No one is playing this week. Aston Villa, Spurs and Fulham have all thrown in the towel. Given that these three teams make up the majority of my team, I’m screwed. Duff is out, Milner too, Crouch won’t be dancing, Dunne is done and now I feel like crying. I’ve had a very stressful week chopping and changing, going back and forth and debating whether or not to use my wildcard. In addition, Shawcross decided to do the harshest tackle ever and got banned and Huddlestone got injured. Then, I found out yesterday that Rooney is “doubtful” due to a knee injury. I tried, in vain, to secure Vermaelen, but I just didn’t have the funds.

Where does it end?! This must be what martyrs feel like. I was feeling so brilliant, and now it’s just been snatched away.

I didn’t think that I wanted to use my wildcard because, on the whole, I’m happy with my team. It’s just that there’s not much point in using the wildcard if I’m going to change it all back next week. It was just difficult to find people that I could afford who weren’t total nobodies.

That hair suits nobody.

I was also made aware of team limits this week. Birmingham were an attractive option for me, because they are playing Portsmouth this week, so they should easily win. This is what led to my moral downfall. I decided to pick Bowyer. I know he’s a thug, but he’s a talented thug and I just couldn’t afford to be picky. I feel awful, like I’m endorsing racist violence. But just as I had made this horrible decision, clicked off Shawcross and clicked on Bowyer, I was informed that I couldn’t have him. Too many players from Birmingham. Birmingham are my bench Aston Villa. The bench is riddled with Brummies, who come on when Villa aren’t playing. To be told that my moral decision couldn’t be done was something that I could not accept, so I looked elsewhere for inspiration.

So Scandinavian!

I realised that my sub goalkeeper is Birmingham. Given always plays and gets excellent points so I cut Hart loose. I needed Bowyer. I had made the naughty decision and now just couldn’t let it go. In Hart’s place I brought in wonderfully named Bolton goalie Jussi Jaaskelainen. He’s Finnish and won’t be playing much, but his name is a delightful addition to my team sheet. After having consulted Google Images, I can say that he is cute, in a Scandinavian way, which isn’t really my type, but I do love his name. With Hart gone, I brought in Bowyer. As for him, I think we can call a spade a spade here and say that he is no looker, as well as being a thug. Oh, well…

I’m gearing up for a bad week, but because all of our teams are so similar, it doesn’t seem so bad. Hopefully I can cling onto third place!

I decided to leave it at that. Duff will remain and I just can’t bear to get rid of Rooney. I may get rid of Crouch next week. Now that I’ve broken my moral boundary, I may just get in Jermain Defoe. My Dad has told me to swap Crouch for Defoe. Now you know where my conscience comes from! I draw the line at John Terry though. He’s just vile.

That's your sister...

In other news, Cheryl Cole has officially ditched Ashley. You go, woman. She can do so much better. I wish I could say the same thing for Toni Terry. I guess she feels trapped by the fact that, unlike Cheryl, she doesn’t have a visible career of her own to speak of. If there are any rabid Derek Hough fans reading this, I won’t be mentioning him again. You all scare me. He’s talented, of course, but does sexualised dances with his sister and has a bad case of gayface. I’m bracing myself for the next angry comment now.

Let’s just hope that next week goes a bit better. If it doesn’t, tears will be shed.