Fantasy Football #13: Wildcard!


I’m clearly as faithful as a nymphomaniac. No sooner had I written my last blog, Fabregas was injured for the rest of the season. Despite what I said last time, I ruthlessly cut him. It was awful. I’m horrible and faithless, but I’m in sixth place. Desperate measures must be taken.

Just a bit... blah

Now that Fabregas is gone, I had to find someone amazing to replace him. Of course, I decided that I wanted Frank Lampard and I wanted him now. Sure, he’s dating Christine Bleakley from The One Show but beggars can’t be choosers. She’s one of those people that I just cannot like, even though she was quite good on Strictly Come Dancing, a programme that Catriona and I watched religiously last semester, and she water-skiied across the British Channel for dying orphans or something. Frank Lampard has always seemed a bit dodgy to me, for reasons unknown. All of this paranoid disliking of people is clearly painting me as some sort of psycho.


Anyway, back on track. I was chatting to Catriona in a post-sixth-place depressive state. I had already used my free transfer for the week getting rid of Rooney and needed to sell Fabregas and Dawson to get Lampard and a random defender. I really couldn’t afford to take the eight point hit that would come with making this change, but I really wanted Lampard.

Then I remembered my wildcard. I hadn’t used it yet, even though the Premier League is over in about a month. I told Catriona defiantly that I was using it, it was dead to me. Her response was “No. No, actually, do!” We were both in agreement that Fabregas needs to man up, like I’ve told him to so many times. He doesn’t seem to understand that this isn’t just about him. There’s so much more at stake here than his stupid leg. I don’t care anyway, now I have Lampard and Drogba. My new Fabregas and Rooney.

When I sold Dawson and Fabregas, I bought Gael Givet. I know, I have no idea who he is either, but he seemed to be the

So French and so cleansheet hopefully!

best value and he has the same name as the delectable Mexican actor Gael Garcia Bernal. Of course, I went to Google Images to check him out and he’s actually quite cute. And French! I think. He plays for Blackburn, who I don’t have any other players from, so the change in jersey further adds to the rainbow nature of Team News.

I’m hopeful for week 33 but I’ve noticed something funny. With the binning of Rooney and Fabregas and the buying of Givet, Lampard and Drogba, Team News have changed their main jersey colour from red to blue. The Team News strip is pink and purple, but the jerseys on my team sheet are all nice and blue. I’m hoping that this is a metaphor that my new, switched up team will bring me the calm and serenity that blue connotes, instead of the fiery stress of red.

Here’s hoping…