After explaining the trouble with foreigners and the ins and outs of being a food bastard, Foil Arms and Hog get all super serious by helping you start real college… in week six

So the honeymoon period is well and truly over and as you wring the excess beer and shame from your ‘Legendsoc!’ t-shirt you make a vow to only ever wear that monstrosity again to bed, when everything else is in the wash, or if you’ve actually joined Legendsoc. Every day, every single smelly day.

As a fresher, now is around the time you wave goodbye to that friend you made at the first lecture that you thought would be a great mate for all your college years. Soon you’ll struggle to remember each other’s names, next year you’ll nod occasionally in the corridors and then, in final year, you’ll just ignore each other. C’est la UCD.

There’s no point in pretending you’re not a fresher either, honestly, you might as well still be wearing your school uniform. You’re the only ones still dressing up for college, while the rest of the campus lets their hair grow until all facial features are obscured. Also, just listen to what’s coming out of your mouth!


Things Fresher’s Say:

Jaysus, dere’s gurrrls everywhere!

Where the fuck is E 112!?

How much does that tutorial actually count for?

Alright, just let me finish drinking it, then I’ll put it in the bin

Let’s find the secret tunnels!

Where the fuck is the Classics Department?

Yes, beginners Spanish please…. No, I’ve NEVER done Spanish before…

Dere’s a schwimmin pool bai?!


But don’t worry, September is a mulligan, everyone knows college only actually starts in October. It is now that you must make those vital discoveries.

Like, what are the classes you actually need to go to? What is the bare minimum you can do to placate the university and your parents? And most importantly, what is the highest percentage beer at the lowest price in Higgins’ off-licence and where can you drink it for the longest time before campus security arrives?

College is hard brain work. But what sort of ex-UCD students would we be if we didn’t offer you something to ease the pain of starting real college life? So here’s a nice prank for the start of the semester. As a former victim, Arms is going to run you through this one:


The Late for Lecture Prank:

1. Arrive late with a friend to a packed lecture theatre

2. Make sure they are just in front of you as you walk in the door

3. Scream: “Sorry I’m Late!” as loud as you can

4. As the lecturer and entire class look to the source of the disturbance, quickly exit the theatre and hold the door shut behind you. Thus locking your friend inside

5. Cackle with laughter through the little pane of glass in the door


It’s a cliché, but it’s true; college is what you make of it. So why not do this prank, or make up your own prank, or go find the tunnels, or skip lectures for a swim in the lake, or go to the bar at 1pm for no other reason than it’s a Tuesday?

Even go to a random lecture, or play hide and seek in the library, or go to a play, a debate, a gig or do any host of random shit that you can do because you don’t have a job, kids, or any real responsibilities other than writing some stupid essay that you ripped from Wikipedia anyway. COLLEGE IS AWESOME.