In a statement released by the Vatican Council of Roman Numerals and Cardinals (VCRNC) early this morning, Easter 2020 will fall between the 10th-13th July, coinciding with the Longitude festival in Marlay Park. The token spokeswoman for the VRNC told The Harpy, “that senior Church officials performed the sacred ceremony and determined that it was God’s will that Easter will be held in conjunction with the popular music festival known as Longitude.” When asked if the decision was made to sneak in Christianity into the lives of young people, the spokeswoman denied any such implications, stating “the Church has gotten a bad rep in recent years in terms of ‘sneaking’ and ‘young people’ and we were very conscious of this, although we deny any such knowledge of this.”

According to an investigative piece, published in The Harpy last year, the ceremony for the selection of the Easter dates, involves the burning of a giant wicker man atop the industrial size roulette wheel, housed in the basement of the Vatican archives. The sacrificial homosexual is left to crawl out of the ash and make his way to one of the 38 segments, marked with random dates of the year. The segment where he succumbs to his injuries, is then pronounced as the next Easter date. The Harpy obtained documents that stated in the unlikely event that the sacrifice was to make it off the roulette wheel, he would immediately be treated for his burns and given an all-expenses paid trip to a Disneyland of his choosing. This scenario has yet to occur, with rumours speculating that it almost happened in 1986, when Andy Warhol has chosen for the ceremony. Warhol allegedly died some months later in 1987, due to a “heart complication”, from what Vatican records show was a “non-invasive, routine, totally sterile, gallbladder surgery.” The coroner, however, failed to mention the gaping bullet-sized entry wound in Warhol’s skull in their autopsy report.

Longitude officials have yet to confirm their 2020 line-up, but speculation has seen Daniel O’Donnell, the original Alive-O recording cast and even Garth Brooks earmarked to headline the three day festival. Usual sponsors for the event have been replaced with the renowned conservative Christian organisations such as Foróige, The Irish Catholic and that wedding cake bakery up North, which will supply the food and drink over the course of the weekend to patrons. Surprisingly, The Iona Institute have chosen not to sponsor the event next year, stating that they didn’t want to appear to support an event that would directly conflict with mass attendance on Sunday morning. Iona spokeswoman and wannabe-martyr, Katie Ascough, told The Harpy, “we don’t want to appear too down with the kids on this one, thus marginalising our key demographic: Maureen that reads the prayers of the faithful, and her neighbours. It’s not nice to marginalize people and take away from their experiences. We were very conscious of this, although we deny any such knowledge of this ourselves.”

Protestant leader of the Democratic Unionist Party (DUP) and Rangers FC supporter, Arlene Foster is set to announce details for her own festival, which is to be located in the old Parliament buildings in Stormont, Belfast. Foster told The Harpy, “we’re very reservedly pleased to have our festival, Latitude 2020 in the coming months. The festival will see the politely-welcomed return of the Orange Order marching band playing for three days straight.” The festival is being advertised as an independent celebration for Northern Ireland “after getting some sort of no-deal Brexit, we can now be satisfied with our status of not-quite-independent, but just sort of an awkward position, somewhere in relation to the EU.”

When asked if festival-goers could expect to see the likes of protestant-raised comedian, Graham Norton, Foster said she would consider him if there was a demand and if “he respects my right not to allow him rights.”