Deeks seeks removal of poor students from UCD because they make him feel “uncomfortable”

The notoriously frugal president Deeks has admitted he has sought to remove poor students from UCD in an interview conducted with the Harpy at Deeks’ castle.

As rain pelted and lightning struck the watchtower of Deeks’ castle, the President laughed as he unveiled the numerous underhand ways he has attempted to exclude poor students from Higher Education. 

“It’s quite simple really” admitted Deeks rubbing his hands together, “it all starts with the most basic of human needs; food! By charging 10 euro for Aramark prison food we make an enormous profit and hopefully,” he said crossing fingers and grinning with eyes wide open, “dissuade any of the great-unwashed from coming to UCD.” 

However, Deeks admits that charging astronomical prices for food you wouldn’t feed to the farm animals on a petting zoo visit to UCD, is not enough in itself to say shoo-shoo to the poor. “The astronomical fees and student levy not only discourage the poor and make their lives 100 times more difficult but they also pay for beautiful new buildings, buildings which will be a testament to my bent falice.” 

“But it's not just about keeping poor students out of Higher Education and making it as difficult as possible for them to stay in when they get there, God no!” stated Deeks. “I also have no appetite to work with the poor, our Postgraduate research salaries are designed so that only the privileged can truly afford to occupy these posts.” 

Deeks had this final message for the poor students of UCD, “you better run, you better take cover.”