Decaffeinated Coffee: The New Pineapple on Pizza?

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Is decaf coffee the most misunderstood drink of our times, or is it rightfully shamed and mocked? Rohan Bhattacharya considers.

Over 2 billion cups of coffee are consumed every day. Whether you drink instant, an artisan blend, or a candy-flavoured Starbucks drink – it’s a morning staple for most people. Yet, people treat decaffeinated coffee (or decaf if you’re not being pretentious) as a sort of diluted substitute for the real stuff, pretending even to themselves that it’s the same. 

We've all seen it – the person who walks away with their decaf coffee and shame in their eyes, leaving only the scent of missed opportunity behind. It's the coffee equivalent of choosing tap water instead of a Red Bull. Might as well wear a sign that says, ‘I'm here for a good time, not a jittery time.’ The decaf coffee drinker is subject to a life of mockery, and hence, misery. But here's a thought: is decaf coffee the new pineapple on pizza? The unconventional choice that stirs endless controversy? 

Let’s be real – ordering decaf usually gets you the side-eye from a disgruntled, overworked barista. A customer ordering decaf is like bringing a ukulele to a metal concert: confusing and unwanted. However, decaf does have its defenders in those who yearn for the warm, fuzzy feeling of a latte but not the feeling of their heart racing quicker than a Porsche 911.

Sure, the sceptics will scoff, saying that putting decaf on par with its caffeinated sibling is like comparing a rubber duck to a warship. But hey, they said the same thing about pineapple on pizza, and now it’s the most famous debate in all of history (probably). On one side, it's a slice sensation that defies logic and conventional taste buds. On the other, it’s a slice scandal that defies logic and conventional taste buds. 

So here's the plot twist for your coffee contemplation: ever thought of decaf as the rebel who puts pineapple on pizza? Or, as the one true coffee connoisseur; the only one who drinks coffee for the taste, not the caffeine? A disruptor that shakes up the scene, offering a chill sip instead of a wild buzz? Just some food for thought as you savour your (perhaps now decaf) cup.