The Dublin Area Rapid Transit (DART) rail system is expected to be extended to UCD nearly 20 years early, but this time with a twist, Transport for Ireland (TFI) said this week, crushing the previous post-2042 target for DART expansion by, like, a shit tonne.
The addition of a giant loop-de-loop to the DART network has been heralded as “fun for the whole family” and is set to increase revenue and public amenities. In an exclusive interview with The Harpy’s transportation correspondent Ford Carley, the ringleader of the TFI expansion scheme said “What, the E1 and E2 weren’t fun enough for you? Fine. Have it your way. This whole operation will be a goddamn circus by the time we’re done.”
Fianna Fáil Minister for Transport Darragh O’Brien TD also announced that Go-Ahead Ireland would be given a contract to provide city-wide unicycles and tightrope lines as an opportunity to make up for whatever the hell is going on with the S4 and S6 bus routes.
UCDSU President Miranda Bauer, who has advocated for the return of the 145 bus route to provide connection to Heuston station for commuting students, responded positively to this expansion, but remained skeptical. “I’ll believe it when pigs fly,” Bauer said. The Harpy’s fact checkers found that flying pigs are due to be added to the transport network within the next 6 months.
“The train just hasn’t been the same since they added these Tayto Park yokes,” a local culchie – later denied entry for failing to meet the height limit and not being accompanied by an adult – told a reporter from The Harpy while queuing in line for the daily commute.