Following the release of nationwide radio broadcasting data last night, Belfield FM was pleased to discover that their weekly listenership had doubled in the past week, bringing their overall audience to two people each week. Station management have called the news “a show of a roaring success” and “proof that there is a market for digital student radio”.

Up until this point, the only known listener to the Belfield FM stream was the constant stream that plays in the office as you wait to do your guest spot on the show that the weird lad in your tutorial asked you to be on because you “sound like you know what you’re talking about”. While many at the station argued that the number of times the broadcast was being streamed was not reflective of the amount of people listening because “it could be played in a stadium of 50’000 people”, statisticians have been able to prove that on average, only one person is actually listening to the broadcast at any time, regardless of the amount of people in the area. This stream is used to take advantage of something station management call “the shark loophole”, stating that the station will be immediately shut down once the listenership hits zero. This constant stream ensures that this can never happen, although there are now talks that they may be able to rely entirely on this mystery listener, saving all of those in the office from listening to “Deli Daydreams” by Kojaque ever again. “We really hope it’s a case where this other mystery streamer is unable to turn off the stream from their end, like an old person who logged in and then dropped dead or maybe someone being tortured for information”, said one committee member a little bit too eagerly.

Belfield FM have already begun to experience a serious amount of change in the station and the lineup of presenters. The majority of presenters have decided to abandon their shows and not to return for next semester for fear that “someone is actually listening to this crap”. Some of the younger presenters who were made aware of the stats were incensed at the fact that they were misled into believing that working with Belfield FM could result in a profitable career in broadcasting and producing. A few core presenters have decided to stay on however, and will now have to make up for the lack of time due to missing shows. This now involves a breakfast show that now finishes up at 5 pm, and a nighttime show that starts at 5 pm.

Belfield FM welcome all new presenters and listeners at any time, and if you wish to be a part of Belfield FM’s family, simply make your way up to the yellow box in the New Student Centre and throw away one of your hours once a week.