Arthur’s Day declared National Holiday

Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons: Darrin

Arthur’s Day declared National Holiday

Last Sunday, the Irish public were rattled by the news that NPHET was to recommend a nationwide Level Five lockdown. The reaction of many to such disheartening news was that age old-Irish cure, drinking oneself into oblivion.

The following morning a cabal of dreary-eyed journalists gathered for Mehole Martin's press briefing. Their faces were a puffy red mess and their eyes were bloodshot from last night's shiraz. Mehole Martin took to the podium. His face often winced as the aroma of stale Guinness and spice bag filled the air. Mehole began, “The Cabinet met this morning and decided we were in no mood to take any ‘serious’ decisions. We believe that at this time of great crisis and despair we could all use a little pick me up, so we have decided to introduce a new national holiday”.

All serious questions were dropped as the press instead questioned the nature of this holiday. When asked if the new holiday would commemorate 1916, Mehole scoffed and stated “You are aware of who our coalition partners are, aren’t you?” Another journalist arose, his monocle falling as he did so. He steadied himself and asked. “Will it be in honour of our great literary traditions? Perhaps a national Bloomsday holiday?” “No, now I will have none of that chat!” replied Mehole as he signalled to two priests to have the unruly journalist removed. Mehole gestured to the rabble to take their seats; they did so and listened eagerly with bated breath.

“The cabinet has decided to introduce Arthurs Day as our new national holiday!” exclaimed Mehole. The journalists arose in a raucous celebration. “To Arthur” they shouted, “To Arthur”.

Later in the evening The Harpy caught up with Minister for Sport, Tourism, Arts, Culture, Sport, the Gaeltacht and the bog down in the valley-o, Catherine Martin. Ms Martin seemed confused as she rustled through her documents before eventually collapsing in a lather of sweat.

Leo Varadkar took to Twitter to say; “Delighted to announce Arthur's Day as our new national holiday. However, it's important to not allow ourselves to lose sight of the true meaning of Arthur's Day, not to give in to commercialisation. Arthur's Day is all about the achievements one can make when they inherit vast swathes of property and land! I remember my first Arthurs Day, absolutely sending it with the lads. Belting out the ‘San Diego Song’ by The Coronas in the summer of ‘12. What a time!”