Andrew GeeksHow do I get a pet squirrel in UCD? I find myself relieved that the rodent sought is an actual animal rather than a member of the zoophiliac furry kingdom. I am of the opinion that the perfect pet mirrors the characteristics of its noble owner, so I think it appropriate that the intrepid questioner seeks a companion which only mates once or twice a year. Squirrels are so ubiquitous to UCD that you shouldn’t be afraid to leap with senseless urgency on any of the little critters you spot. Eventually you’ll luck out and find one unconscious; passed out after finding a half empty can of Bulmers tossed in a bush. You should note, however, that squirrels are experts at adapting to human environments and their nature, so once you’ve found yourself with an wide-eyed, enthusiastic forest friend, prepare for it to very quickly settle into a half-hearted and antagonistic, emotionally abusive relationship in which the brute takes advantage of your sensitive and forgiving disposition. Do not be surprised if you return from a long day of studying to find your apartment trashed and your squirrel pal passed out drunk on the couch, covered in a dried coat of vomit. Remember that squirrels cannot digest cellulose so plan its meals carefully. How do I become President of the Students’ Union? Alas! There’s nothing we need more than another civic-minded strain of the populace; a genuine, salt of the earth practitioner of the jesuitical arts. Before you expose yourself to the public eye, make sure to disassociate yourself from Young Fine Gael, Ógra Shinne Féin, Young Republicans, and the SU Memes Facebook page. An amateur politician would first sign the petition and vote to impeach Katie Ascough in the hopes that they could then stand for election. A more shrewd approach would be to prematurely sign a petition to impeach yourself. You could then claim that your controversial views on on-campus microwave-abortions are being silenced by liberal junkies and Rick and Morty enthusiasts, and simply await the inevitable swell of support from the biased media rags.