The sun is out, the days are longer - goodbye seasonal depression, hello Issue 6 of the University Observer! I am, forever and always, your true Agony Aunt, Sasha Shame. Any that should take my place hereafter are but pale reflections of me, and don't forget it!
How do I tell my ex that he looks like the bee from the bee movie and that's why I'm over him?
Ya like jazz? Clearly you did, at one point or another. Personally, I would take this to my grave. I can't vouch for how much this person looks like Barry B. Benson, but if he looks enough like Jerry Seinfeld as a bee that you broke up with him, I would be devastated for anyone to find out I dated that. Is it just that he looks like Barry or does he act like him too? Nasally voice? Lilting speech pattern? Over-anxious and in love with a woman a thousand times his size?
If your relationship to this ex isn't great, it's also a really vindictive power move to tell him why you've moved on. I say that with nothing but praise - there's nothing I love more than a totally out of pocket insult! Sometimes, we all need to be a little evil. I support you in every step of this decision.
For some added flare, you might find other animated characters he reminds you of - does he yelp like Tom the cat? Does he walk like the Mystery Gang in the 1960s Scooby Doo original cartoon? Is he lanky like the chef in Rattatouille, or moody like the critic? Do birds circle him when he gets hit on the head? Get creative!
My recently 17 year old brother started texting my almost 20 year ex-friend. So nasty.
Prison, honey. PRISON. First off, what a betrayal - your enemies should be your brother's enemies! Secondly, go study for your leaving cert instead of flirting with adults!! Thirdly, PRISON!!!
Your friend texting him back - I presume in some sort of flirty way by the fact you've sent this in - is so gross and weird, they need to be shot. As I've said before and will say again: buy a Colt Single Action revolver. They're sleek, chic and do the job! If you're so high and mighty that you won't resort to murder (read: boring), then talk to your brother fast. Sit him down, and please make it clear that a 17 year old is never "mature enough" to be dating a college student. Like, if this person was 18, sure. If this person was 19, that's a little icky to me personally but not necessarily a crime. But you're saying "20 year ex-friend", as in the friendship was 20 years long. As in this person is at least 20, if you met right out the womb. Or more likely, this person is over 21. PRISON! ELECTRIC CHAIR! DEATH to all of them!
If your brother won't listen to you, talk to your parents, talk to his friends, talk to the ex-friend! He's not your responsibility, but if he's someone you care about then in my opinion the right thing to do is go to whatever lengths it takes to get them both to CUT THAT SHIT OUT. Endorse reality, people!!
Heya my manager is evil, not super but he sucks (dick and balls). But like it’s not that deep and I know it’s not that deep, but I still get upset when he’s a prick. How do I stop caring?
Dick AND balls?? Penis AS WELL AS testicles?? He should try sucking the end of a rifle. Bad managers, or anyone in authority really, drive me crazy. Especially if they're bad at their job. How did you get here???
The easiest answer would be to focus on yourself, have people to talk to about him, really internalise that his issues are not yours! You're trying your best, that's what counts. He should be leading by example, and he's not doing that. Shocker: being mean to your staff actually doesn't make them better at their jobs! If you're getting upset, then it IS that deep, and you're allowed to be upset. I wouldn't advise to try and "stop caring" because that leads you to bottling stuff up and it'll just explode, sooner or later. However, you can do a Jinkx Monsoon on it and let it roll off you "like water off a duck's back." You're better than whatever bullshit he gets up to, you're doing what you can, you're there to get paid not to get a Nobel Peace Prize. Feel the way you feel, feel through it and not around it, and find ways to move forward - especially if that way is by quitting. I'm a major advocate for quitting. My mother absolutely raised a quitter, and a damn good one!
You might also consider setting up an elaborate prank where he is killed by a bucket of cement falling on his head, or a trip wire setting off a crossbow aimed at his chest, or a feral dog released in his office for him to find when he comes in. How attached are you to your coworkers? You could set off a gas leak, break a wire, let a spark fly when a light switch is pressed, and that's your problem gone! Watch the Home Alone movies, get your brain working.
With that, we come to the end of this issue. Thank you for going on this ride with me, and good luck to all of you suffering through the end of term. The worst that can happen is you fail! Or a plane crashes into your house, and you get robbed, and you get an incurable terminal illness that leaves you bedridden for the rest of your days. But that's so unlikely!
Say it to my face,
Sasha Shame