Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome back to another issue of the University Observer with me, your host and captor, Sasha Shame! You couldn't leave if you wanted to!
It's an honour to come to you now, the week after a lovely two-day run of 'Fifteen Minutes of Shame' for the Scene + Heard festival! I had the pleasure of writing and directing the show, and I cannot thank my cast or crew enough, nor can I express my gratitude to all those who came to see the show. On to the business at hand, the reason you're here!
"How to find romantic love when you've never experienced it?"
I find looking to fairytales is always the best advice for love. Find a person you like, attend an extravagant gala they are hosting, with the help of your fairy godparent of course, and fall completely in love. Slight a witch, prick your finger on a cursed spindle, and be awoken by a (nonconsensual) kiss from a prince. Seek out a hermit in their castle, become trapped there, and fall in love throughout your time there. Happily ever after! It's simple!
In reality, it's a lot harder. I know, I know, throw your tomatoes, carry your pitchforks and torches, form a mob outside the Observer's office. Unfortunately, people are more complicated than the stories - although not much more, at times. I'm not exactly the right person to ask, my history is not perfect. But in my experience, be straightforward. If you're attracted to somebody, just say so. Ask them on a date, tell them you'd like to go out with them, ask to kiss them if the time feels right (The George after midnight, a royal ball, et cetera). Honesty and open communication are consistently (and annoyingly) the best way forward in any type of relationship - romantic or otherwise. If they respond badly, that's on them! We're adults, it doesn't always have to be awkward.
If all else fails, you can look to the other side of the fairytales. Perhaps a love potion or a hex will make them fall in love with you. Maybe a voodoo doll or a prayer to Cupid will suffice! It's up to you, my dear, but do let me know if any of those work. I've had a dry start to the year and I'm DYING to up my witch game.
"My dad kept commenting about my weight during the holidays and I wish he would stop. It makes me very uncomfortable given my history with food but I don’t know how to tell him to stop."
Staple his mouth shut. Fill his room with bees. Christ, rectify that man! It's immensely frustrating dealing with a family member who can't help but say something or other about your weight. Even when they mean well, it's just uncomfortable to be at the receiving end of.
I have a somewhat tenuous relationship with food too, and I won't go into detail (this column is more about the question-askers than me) but I have also had to deal with my fair share of irritating and often bizarre remarks about my weight. If I was going to give you advice based on what I've done, I'd tell you to have repeated shouting matches or use a depth of passive aggression that would make your Catholic granny shiver. But, I think there are MAYBE some better ways to handle the issue. A proper sit-down conversation is a good start. I don't know how or when you've talked to him before, and I won't condescend, but even if you've done it before, a solid, one-to-one conversation is generally the best place to get any feelings out. I would also say it could be helpful to let others know how you feel, that way you have support and he'll have others to pick him up on the comments he makes.
Are you at all familiar with the shock collar method of conditioning? Could you slip a collar on your father while he's sleeping, and shock him every time he says something about your weight? As I understand it, you can increase the intensity of the shocks, so maybe it starts at one, and increases in intensity the more he comments! It may also be worthwhile trying to reverse the dynamic; send him to the naughty step or take away his phone, maybe he'd benefit from being grounded? I don't know, he's your dad - you probably know what'll work best.
"Didn’t get Abby Lee for Christmas. Life goes on."
I'm so sorry. This is probably the most devastating submission I've ever gotten. Please contact a help line if you need to. Remember, in spite of this, you have so much to live for. Talk to friends, let people know what you're going through. UCD offers free counselling for students, and there's a range of options available outside the college. It helps just to talk sometimes.
I'm sure there's some ethical complication with gifting a human being for Christmas, but I also think Abby Lee Miller could benefit from being forced into servitude for at least a decent length of time. Community service, of sorts. She deserves it, for all she did to those poor girls.
I know she has actually been charged for crimes and is a known felon, but I still think there's more work to be done. I may not be a trained psychologist, therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, or indeed any kind of professional expert in the health, wellbeing or behaviour of people. Full stop. I'm not a professional, take nothing I say without a grain of salt. I am, for all intents and purposes - just a girl. A funny girl, but a girl nonetheless. I pray Abby Lee sees the justice she deserves, and I hope when she does that your holiday dream is fulfilled.
Well, well, well. Another issue done. Spring has sprung (happy Imbolc), and it's as cold, drab, dreary, dark, and wet as ever. And that's just my - no, I shan't. Thank you all for reading, please send all your funny, silly, serious, stupid, and stupendous stories to my Tipbox (link in my bio on Instagram @ sasha.shame.official)!
Until we meet again,
Sasha Shame