My bones are healing, my lungs are full of Autumn air, my mouth is full of gravel and sand…
Help, I fell over at the beach. The tide is coming in and I can't get up. I can feel the foam lapping at my scalp like an enormous, freezing cold tongue. Also, I am your Agony Aunt for this year of the University Observer, Sasha Shame.
My grandad sent me a nude.
And hasn't that happened to the best of us? No. No, it hasn't. I'm so sorry, this is one of those submissions where I'm not even sure what to say but I just need the readers to see what I see. Now, I do have the inside scoop on this story. For additional context, this person's grandfather did not send the nude - it was… his new girlfriend. From his phone. However, he has apparently been telling members of the family that it was meant to be a joke! Grandpa, we're not laughing.
This submission does not come looking for advice, but that is my job. The first thing is to probably see a therapist, discuss with your family how to move forward, maybe cut contact with this man - it might sound dramatic, but at least in my mind, this is just sexual harassment. Not really many ways to look at it - you didn't consent to seeing that image, and regardless of his intentions, that is harassment. Why are men such freaks?
I'm really fascinated by his girlfriend agreeing to send the nude. Like, "I know what'll make this family like me - sending a naked photo of my boyfriend to his grandchild from his phone!" Incredible mental gymnastics. There's no way it could go wrong. At no point did she think "maybe this person won't want to see a picture of their grandad's genitals?" This whole situation is just so perplexing to me, I cannot imagine ever being either of the people responsible for it. I wish you well, anonymous victim, and I hope your grandfather gets knocked on the head with an anvil or perhaps a piano, and when he comes out from under it, the little birds that fly around his head sing some sense into him.
I dated three people from the same friend group and I wonder if I can show my face there ever again…
What do you mean? You're on a roll! You need to collect them all! Like Pokémon!! If it's proving harder to get with the others as you go on, don't worry - that's just the difficulty level increasing as the game continues. Once you collect all the exes, you unlock the post-game story where you get to play as the various exes and try to sabotage the person running through your friend group like a whorish plague - meta, right?
I'm not slutshaming you, everything is jokes for legal reasons. You can date whoever you want and I will never hold it against someone for living the life I wish I could lead, sleeping their way from coast to coast. However, it does lead to some complications when you have three different ex-partners in the same friend group. If you're on good terms with all of them, I see no reason you can't still hang around the group - and if not, I don't think it means you can't stay friends with the other people in the group! I feel like we tend to get caught up in the idea of 'taking sides' after a breakup, which just isn't realistic for adult life. People will date, people will break up, and in most cases, no one is necessarily in the wrong. Even if you don't get along with these exes - or even if it's just awkward to talk still - you can have mutual friends.
Alternatively, you could fake your death and assume various new identities as you continue your sex-capades in this friend group. As a professional drag queen, I'm more than happy to assist in the construction of any disguises you may need. As a professional (and award-winning) writer, I am also happy to assist in the writing of any potential fake backstories for your many personas. As a trans woman, I can help you discover your true self through an exploration of wigs, makeup, clothes and names. Maybe this is what you need to take the leap. Start taking hormones today. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. What, scared you might like it?
I keep on dating people who look exactly like my ex who I dated for three years. I swear it’s unintentional but my friends insist it’s not a coincidence. How do I stop doing this?
As long as you're not saying the wrong name, who cares! Sure, maybe you think it's your ex from behind. Sure, maybe you walk the wrong direction to your new date's house, thinking you're going to your ex's. Sure! Maybe you wake up next to him in the middle of the night! With your head in your hands! You're nothing more than his wife! And when you think about me! All those years ago! You're standing face to face with "I told you so!!" You know I hate to say it, but I told you so!!!
Look, I've been there. Various different crushes have looked like other people I've been attracted to, and I've been worried that I'm only into that new person because of the old crush they look like! But, although I don't believe in the idea of having 'A Type', I do think it's fair to notice 'types' that crop up in the people you're attracted to. For instance, my main types are people who look like a badger and people who look like they could be cast as Puck in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. Badgers typically have dark hair, probably a bit of a beard, a little wild eyed, and beefy but not steroid-taking strong. Puck is a fairy, so do with that what you will.
However, I am attracted to lots of people who don't necessarily fall into either category! You might just have a strict type, or you might have some investigating to do as to why these people all look the same - are you really over your ex? I think moving on after a breakup is a lot like grieving, you've got to go through the stages, and it might never really 'go away', it just gets less and less, and that person has less of an impact on your life as you go on. It might be worth talking to a professional (UCD Counselling is free and the wait to see someone is not that bad in my experience), or even just a friend or two, to get your thoughts and feelings out. I always find saying how I feel out loud to someone else is like exorcising a ghost, no matter what I'm saying or whether or not the other person can do anything about it - just expressing it makes the feeling real, and releases it into the world. A little hippy-dippy, but I do find it works. Alternatively, kill your ex, wipe everyone's minds of their existence, and continue to date lookalikes without the hassle of your friend's raised eyebrows and judgemental glances.
And that's all for this time, folks! Thank you for joining for another round of spinning other people's trials and tribulations into silly jokes and amateur advice that I won't even take from myself! Find my Tipbox in my Instagram bio (@ sasha.shame.official) and tell me your woes!
Until next time,
Sasha Shame