The autumn leaves are falling, the winter breeze is coming over the hills, the summer sun is on its deathbed… and I am once again Sasha Shame, your agony aunt for the University Observer.
They said it couldn't be done, they tried to have me killed, as I killed my predecessor, but they failed. I shattered my knee, but I'm still kicking (the doctor recommends against it). Welcome back to another year of nonsense, shenanigans and tomfoolery that I will surely be sharing with a therapist!
Dear Agony Aunt. I’m planning on losing my virginity to a Trinner. Do you think the gods of UCD will ever forgive me or will I be cursed for eternity?
Straight to Hell, sorry. I don't make the rules, but I do enforce them. The Gardaí want me for "vigilante justice" and "serial homicide" but I think they're all just Trinners with a chip on their shoulder. Personally, I don't think the V card is all that important (purity culture is wild and gross) but I feel like you're starting your sexual journey on the wrong foot by having sex for the first time with a Trinity student. It's like starting a hobby using the worst tools!
If I were you, I'd wait until you find the right UCD alum, settle down in the Student Centre, and have some nicotine-riddled, Newman basement babies… a nice, normal life. If you have to stray from the standard, maybe someone from NCAD? They all graduate in O'Reilly Hall, so it's basically the same thing! We want to keep it in the family here, you know?
On the other hand… how well off is this person? Obviously UCD isn't much less posh than Trinity, but still. Finances are something we can consider. Do they have a holiday home? Do they eat gold on their food? Do they swim in piles of money like Scrooge McDuck? Look out for the signs of wealth, this is how you get yourself a good life.
If you absolutely have to sleep with this person, at least make sure you clean well, wear protection, keep a close eye on symptoms of infection - particularly PBS, or Posh Bellend Syndrome. Such symptoms include saying "cor" instead of car, ending every sentence in "loike" (read: like), and complaining about "daddy's money" and how landlords "aren't all that bad." If you notice yourself presenting any symptoms, see a doctor immediately as PBS is often severely damaging if not lethal to your social life. Stay safe out there, virgin.
Hello, I have a friend who I think is into me based on how he acts when we hang out, but he never texts me back or initiates hang outs. I'm tired of pursuing, how do I proceed?
Kidnap him and put him through a funhouse horror show where he leaves it psychologically changed forever, realising his mistakes and proposing on the spot. Then you break his heart and disappear into the wilderness, leaving him dreaming of you for the rest of his life, while you forage for berries and make stews in an isolated hut for yourself and your many forest-living lovers. This is a foolproof, airtight plan with no flaws, and would be extremely easy to put into action.
The more fair - if less interesting - answer is to just be honest. If you're interested in him and think he could be interested in you, maybe try asking if he'd like to go on a date. But personally, he sounds immensely flakey and not worth your time. Maybe he just struggles with text - I get that, a lot of people around me (myself included) are not great at texting - and being a busy bee, I'm also pretty terrible at initiating hangouts with lots of people I love, but I also have to remind myself that prioritising my friends is really important! Being honest could also be asking, without expressing a romantic interest, what the deal is with his lack of replies? It can be really hard, but sometimes confrontation is the right move. Sometimes, people just need to be made aware of their behaviour to make the needed change.
If being honest and upfront doesn't work though, you always have the psychological torture and the hut. As established in previous issues (real ones follow the lore), I have many ties to the black market, so if you are in need of help putting plans into motion, just contact me by way of carrion, smoke signals, mirror message, morse code, or ritualistic killing of a former UO editor. With questionable ethics and determination, anything is possible.
I hooked up with my lecturer's husband, I saw her photos of them together - it was only mid, Grindr fun but now I can't look at them for the coming year.
You haven't explicitly asked a question for help and I'm so glad because this feels totally out of my reach. This is akin to the cousin incest case of last year. However, my mother did not raise a quitter, so I will endeavour to advise you however I can.
First and foremost, is this lecturer a pleasant person? I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on, but is this something you really need to feel bad about? Of course, you might feel more awkward than bad, in which case would you consider swapping out of the module, or perhaps transferring to a college outside Ireland? If not, we can still figure this out.
Maybe you could leave a letter outside her office telling her anonymously that her husband cheated. I'm thinking 'ransom note realness': letters cut out of magazines and glued to a page, the message is a little cryptic to keep it mysterious. Send her on a chase around the world, leaving clues for her to piece together until she finally reaches the final spot - her own home. "CHEATER" in flaming letters on the lawn, her husband tied up on the driveway, and you standing over him in a mask. You nod, she cries, and their family falls apart. I am not only full of good ideas, but practical ones.
With that, my time is up! Back to the crypt I go, subsumed in fog and eerie lights. For all of you returning to studies, I wish you the best of luck. Not me though, I'm free! Send all your worries and woes to the Qualitrics link in my bio (sasha.shame.official on Instagram)! Follow me there, as well as the University Observer @universityobserver on Instagram or UCDObserver on X.
Until next time,
Sasha Shame