As the winter frost melts, and refreezes with a vengeance in these cold, dark Spring months… we welcome you back to the University Observer - and to moi, Sasha Shame, your Agony Aunt!
It's time to get back into the swing of things, and what better way to do so than with some juicy submissions from our wonderful, anonymous tip box…
Sasha Shame, Help! Catholic guilt is eating me alive. I haven't believed in 8 years (at the time I wanted to be a priest so I wouldn't have to marry a woman, long story) but it is suddenly coming back full force. I just feel so guilty about having any sort of fun, that I can't do it...
Wow! Catholic guilt really is that girl! Even after nearly a DECADE, she comes back swinging like a wrecking ball. I can't lie, as someone raised Catholic as well, the Angelus still hits sometimes. It's like each ring of the bell is telling me to whip myself and salt the wound, then apologise for getting blood on the carpet. I feel you, sister. I would LOVE to get into the "nearly became a priest" bit more, but I think we'll keep our focus on the problem at hand…
Feeling guilty for having fun is the worst, and it's not fair to you. Let's get that out of the way first! You deserve to enjoy yourself, you deserve to have fun, you deserve to feel happy every once in a while! You're not wrong for wanting to enjoy yourself. You are, sincerely, truly, allowed to have fun. You are not unbearable to be around. You are loved. I don't know you, but I know that without question.
Hiya! This year my resolution was to have less imposter syndrome but as I’m scrolling through LinkedIn I’m realizing that’s going to be harder than planned. How do I fight the urge to compare myself to everyone?
Hiya! So, first of all, everyone lies on LinkedIn. I've never used it (never will, it's extreme boomer behaviour in my opinion) but I know from friends who do that everyone LIES. So, my first piece of advice. Lie. Lie like your life depends on it - and in this capitalist hell, it might!
My second bit of advice is to remind yourself that everyone goes at their own pace. You might not know this about me, but I… am a drag queen. Shock, horror, people screaming, babies dying.
But you really have to remember, we all move at our own pace! No matter how much experience, how many jobs, or how much money someone else is making, you're going at YOUR pace, not theirs. You aren't better or worse for where you are in life, you're just at your own pace! What matters is that you're satisfied with yourself and your work, regardless of what anyone else is doing.
But, if that isn't a satisfying answer, you COULD just sabotage everyone around you.
Sasha Shame, my flatmate keeps bringing guys over and being very loud in the early hours of the morning. Then she lets them shower and use all of our expensive hair products. Any advice?
Buy a Colt Single Action Army revolver. Fire one bullet every time she has someone over. Into the floor, into the wall, whatever suits. Just one should shock them out of the throes of passion enough to be a bit quieter. As for the expensive hair products… The Colt Single Action Army revolver can again be used. If you feel so inclined, you can let off a warning shot near the person after they've used your stuff - this should effectively prevent repeated theft. I understand your apprehensions, and would not condone murder in this column (in spite of my advice in past issues), but I feel going on the run from the law could be exactly what you need. Getting away from this difficult living situation, seeing more of the world, meeting new people - you could even bring your bad roommate with you, who knows, it could be good bonding time for the two of you!
You could just talk to her? Confrontation sucks, confrontation about sex REALLY sucks, and it can feel naggy and awkward to complain about your stuff being used in a shared living space. But, if it's really bothering you, communicating is the minimum. Express frustration, set boundaries, maybe work out a way you can signal for each other when one another will be at home before the other brings someone back!
If you're feeling imaginative, you could also set traps - à la the Saw franchise - in the shower.
Would you look at the time - I'm afraid I have to run, folks! Thank you for joining us, once again, for another issue of the University Observer. I wish you all the best in the coming term, every fortune in essays, exams and assignments, and - no, not really. What I really hope is that everything hits the fan. That way, I have more to write about in our next issue! Parting is such sweet sorrow, but we will meet again, I promise you that.
It's really more of a threat,
Sasha Shame