Volume thirty. Three-zero. A new decade for the Observer, a new era for student journalism, and with these rolling tides of time comes a new face – some say, more clownish than the last…
Picture this: It's a dark and stormy night in the backarse of nowhere (Wicklow). We descend on a hovel standing in this no-man's-land (again, Wicklow). A silhouette creeps through an open window, casting great, menacing shadows across the walls, and looming over the sleeping form of twice Emmy nominee, three-times Agony Aunt of the University Observer and general pest, Joanne Joanne. In a flash of rusted steel, the people's princess of UCD is dead… My name is Sasha Shame, and I will be your new Agony Aunt.
Volume thirty. Three-zero. A new decade for the Observer, a new era for student journalism, and with these rolling tides of time comes a new face – some say, more clownish than the last… It will be my honour to answer the queries and concerns of UCD this year, submitted anonymously through my Tipbox (link in my bio, @sasha._.shame on Instagram x).
Hi Agony Aunt. Please help me! I, a wee naive gal, became friends with a guy I met at a social event! We hung out 4 or 5 times, and I was super happy to have a friend. Then I found out… he thinks those times we hung out were dates?! So my question is… how am I supposed to know when I’m on a date?
As a hot commodity myself, I am under the permanent assumption that everyone around me thinks we're dating. This has its pros and its cons, and my doctor keeps calling it "unhealthy" and "obsessive"... but I think she's just playing hard to get. When in doubt, I would say keep an eye out for the traditional tells of a romantic environment – candle-lit tables, a soulful singer with a flamenco guitar, a single string of pasta waiting to be taken at either end by two unsuspecting diners, the moon smiling down at you with a knowing look in its eyes… you know, the usual stuff.
I think the actual issue here is nothing you're doing, to be honest. Even if this was happening often, and not just the one guy, I wouldn't say that you're at fault. Call me old-fashioned, but I feel like a date is only a date if everyone involved knows it's a date! Like most things (especially in relationships), the key here is communication – if he thought you were going on dates, that really is on him for assuming when nothing had been explicitly said. It's an awkward situation to find yourself in, but I really don't think you need to worry about your ability to tell when you're on a date – when you're actually on one, you should already know!
But, to avoid finding yourself in this situation again, I would recommend small ways of letting the other person know you aren't interested in them like that. If they ask for your phone number, a small business card with your number on one side and "Just Friends!" written on the other. Or a quick post to the Instagram story would do wonders: "Going out for PURELY PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP drinks with my FRIEND!" Little tells like these are easy ways to let the other person know what you're feeling, while still staying subtle!
I almost had a workplace romance but it flopped and now I have to see them every day :)) How do I survive the crippling shame of existing around them?
Fake your own death. I'm not kidding, you need to stage a car crash – or run away and leave a cryptic letter for your family to find, leading them to assume you were kidnapped and your captor has left a ransom note demanding a payment for your return, but each day they'll cut another piece of you off, so they better pay up quickly. I know where you can find pig's blood by the pint pretty cheap online, if you want some added flare for the crime scene? Oh, and it can't hurt to leave some of your actual blood, for the police to find. Ensure you disinfect any and all tools used, the last thing you need is sepsis when you're on the run.
Or, for lack of any sense of drama, you could just talk to them. Shame is debilitating – I should know, it's in the name – but you really can't let it control your life. Personally, I think it's best to bite the bullet and just talk it out. Things might be awkward now, but I can't see them getting easier if you just try to ignore each other, inevitably crossing paths and having to stiffly pretend you don't see one another. If you feel you both need time away from each other, could you find ways of having tasks in different spaces to them? However you can, put physical distance between the two of you, if that's what you think would help. It might also be worth asking if you're being too hard on yourself. A breakup/fizzle-out/flop sucks, but you just make it harder on yourself by being ashamed about what happened. Maybe you made mistakes, maybe they did too – what matters is that you do your best to do better going forward, and be kind to yourself!
Burning your workplace down is also a possibility. It's not as easy to get away with legally as faking your own death, but if you can pull it off, it does mean you don't have to disappear from society and live in the woods for the rest of your life! You don't have to decide yet, just think about it. Think about it…
How do I get better at rejecting men? I keep getting asked out by men I have no interest in or find attractive. The struggle is real.
Kill them.
That's all for this issue, folks! Send any and all submissions to my Tipbox, which can be found through my Instagram (sasha._.shame) and through the University Observer's Linktree. There is no problem too petty, no trouble too tiny, no hassle too heinous - so please, send it all my way!
See you in the stars,
Sasha Shame