It's been an eventful Christmas break. M3GAN maintains her chokehold on loud gay people in cinemas worldwide, and Sigourney Weaver is in Avatar 2, playing a teenage girl? Literally an insane choice, but also I think she can do whatever she wants. One thing, however, has not changed - I remain the Agony Aunt for the University Observer. For better or worse.

For anyone who's not up to speed here, my name is Joanne Joanne - UCD drag legend, unlikely Philosophy graduate, Azealia Banks historian. This is my third (third!) year writing this column for the paper, because I have footage of the entire staff [REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED] in the [REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED] and I repeatedly threaten to release it. This column is all about the questions and problems I am sent through my anonymous Tipbox account - throughout the year I'll be taking submissions and telling the good people of University College Dublin how to navigate their lives as college students. Maybe they'll take my advice! Maybe they won't! It's really not my problem what happens after the article is published. I'm a 22-year-old drag queen with a Philosophy and Social Justice degree. The degree is finished - I no longer have to worry about the "consequences'' of my "actions".

Dear Joanne Joanne, I was forced into watching the most recent seasons of "The Crown" before the latest one by a friend, and I'm ashamed to admit that it's made me attracted to some members of the Royal Family. I blame the casting director for choosing actresses I already liked prior, but it still feels odd finding members of the Royal Family hot. It's gotten to the stage where I saw a picture of Olivia Colman as Queen Elizabeth on social media and started blushing, or if the Royal Family ever comes up at home I only want to hear about living members I've come to fancy such as Princess Anne. How can I, a self-respecting Irish person, live with myself?

The British monarchy is a bit of a touchy subject for me. I graduated on the 8th of September, and as far as I was aware it was going to be a lovely day that I got to spend with my friends and family. I had heard whispers that Lizzie was about to kick the bucket, but I thought that was Irish Twitter being dramatic as happens every Thursday afternoon. Imagine my devastation when she actually died - not because I think she deserves pity, but this was supposed to be my special day! Stealing from the Irish once again! I think it's worth taking all of your feelings about the royals - as oddly positive as they may be - and channelling that towards Diana. Down with the monarchy today, tomorrow and forever - but I like Diana. She's literally the only good one. Another thing I would suggest doing - and I can't believe I'm recommending this - watch Diana: The Musical as soon as you can. That musical truly has no redeeming qualities - Diana's struggles are played off as vapid and superficial, and it's filmed in an empty theatre so there is absolutely zero applause or commotion of any kind. If watching Diana: The Musical is what it takes to remove any kind of respect for the royal family, then so be it. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

texting a guy for a while and I really like him but I'm so afraid of messing things up - (I'm also a guy) any tips for keeping it cool? thanks legend x

I get this - there's nothing that unites the LGBTQ+ community quite like the fine art of catastrophising. But also; who says you have to keep it cool? As someone who's very good at being gay - something that's normal to want and possible to achieve - I think being in touch with your emotions and letting yourself feel excited and nervous is cool, hot and sexy. It might be worth remembering that you had a life before you started texting this guy, and therefore the stakes are lower than you think - if you "mess things up", nobody's getting killed, nobody's life is ruined. So you may as well enjoy things as they are! When I was a young child and afraid of my uncle's dogs, I was always told that they were more afraid of me than I was of them. I feel like people say that about horses as well. Something similar applies here - I am trying very hard to avoid saying gay men are animals - but the point is that he is, most likely, similarly nervous about messing things up with you. This should not stop you from pursuing anything - this should be of some comfort. Gay men are easily startled by loud noises and female pop stars. Use this to your advantage.

my gf is too short please help. I'm so tired of having to get things off tall shelves for her. Should we break up?


That's all for this issue! Throughout the year I'll be taking submissions through my Tipbox, which you can find in either my Linktree (@joannesquared on Instagram x) or in the Observer's Linktree. There is no story too juicy and nothing I can't make myself needlessly invested in, so please keep the submissions coming!