Agony Aunt: Vol. XXVII Issue 8

Image Credit: Laoise Tarrant

Hello! My name is Joanne Joanne - drag legend, eleven-time Grammy winner, full-time resident of the tunnels in the Newman Building. This is OTwo’s best ever Agony Aunt column - that's right, the good people at The University Observer saw the way 2020 has gone, thought about who can be there as a light in the dark for the struggling students of UCD, and settled on a twenty-year-old drag queen from the backarse of County Wicklow. I'm as delighted as you are! I'll be answering your questions on love, sex, college, or anything else via submissions in my Tipbox - do send your questions in! Nothing is too weird! I am incredibly nosy!

Dear Agony Aunt,

- I'm incredibly alone in my course. I'm in 2nd year and living at home with the closest friend over an hour away. There is only 50 of us and about 20 live on or around campus atm and have gaffs every night, any time I reach out to any of them it's pointless and I'm being ignored, really thought UCD was going to be the place I'd have a good friend group in my course.

You probably don't need me to tell you that it's a really isolating time for everyone right now, but if it's any consolation; you're absolutely not the only person who feels this way. While I am an extrovert who is both incredibly sexy and unbelievably talented, I'm also human - I've struggled a good bit myself with suddenly not being able to spend most of my time around other people.

What's worth remembering is that the best friends you make in college may not be people from your course. I've met some lovely gals from my course, but for the most part, I have made my friends from things that have nothing to do with my degree. This year I was on the committee for the LGBTQ+ society and also wrote this column - both of those have let me befriend people I would probably never have met otherwise.

A lot of the college experience is about trying new things, not having a comfort zone, and discovering new things about yourself along the way. You are very likely to make friends this way - going forward I would recommend attending society events that interest you, regardless of if you know anyone already involved. 

And quite frankly, to hell with those 20 people in your course - better to find your own friends than to be at a load of gaff parties in the middle of a panasonic. Pangaea. Pangelina Jolie. Something like that.

- My boyfriend has a rare kink where he really enjoys the look and feel of a cyst. This has been going on for a few months, it started with him watching pimple popping videos, which carried on into watching cyst removal videos. I really want to support him because he does so much for me - should I try to get a cyst? Or should I get something that looks like a cyst?
Really appreciate your acystance!

I'm not going to lie to you - I had to read this a few times to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. I get the morbid fascination with pimple popping videos, but it's the leap from YouTube to the bedroom that's sending me a little bit. To clarify, I'm absolutely not kinkshaming here - I just think this is a really juicy question (ba dum tiss).

As someone who was born with eczema and makes it everyone else's problem, I'm hesitant to say you should give yourself a cyst - everything I could find about this was about getting rid of them. I did find exactly one Reddit post saying it might happen if you put on makeup and leave it there for a day or so. From experience, I would not recommend this - I did a Grinch-themed drag look in December, accidentally fell asleep in it, and I looked jaundiced for about three days. Not the vibe I'm afraid.

But ultimately it's up to you - as long as everything's safe, sane and consensual it's entirely your call to make. Keep in mind that this is literally about your body - if you don't want a cyst there's absolutely no obligation to give yourself one. That's a sentence I never thought I'd write.

- My boyfriend finds it too physically painful to bottom - we've tried a lot (especially bored over lockdown), but I am really unsatisfied having to constantly bottom. What can we do when an open relationship is out of the question?

I can't say I've been too active myself over lockdown, but as someone who has been hatefully described as "bottom-passing" I feel like I have some authority here. You probably know this already but bottoming isn't something you should just rush into all of the time - sometimes you need to build up to it and that's alright.

I think you should tell your boyfriend that you're unhappy and that this is important to you. Once you've had that conversation, there's a lot he can do to be more comfortable here. Make sure that you're communicating fully throughout the whole experience. If it doesn't feel right, it probably isn't right - use plenty of lube, take it slowly and make sure the two of you are as at ease as possible. Part of it might be that he's nervous - if he hasn't bottomed a lot before he might be afraid of trying it. I know it's frustrating but sometimes the best thing to do is be patient. You'll get your hole eventually, my child.

Also, I'm no scientist, but I've heard that the chorus of Into You by Ariana Grande will shake even the strictest of tops.