Hello! My name is Joanne Joanne - drag legend, eleven-time Grammy winner, full-time resident of the tunnels in the Newman Building. This is OTwo’s best ever Agony Aunt column - that's right, the good people at The University Observer saw the way 2020 has gone, thought about who can be there as a light in the dark for the struggling students of UCD, and settled on a twenty-year-old drag queen from the backarse of County Wicklow. I'm as delighted as you are! I'll be answering your questions on love, sex, college or anything else via submissions in my Tipbox - do send your questions in! Nothing is too weird! I am incredibly nosy!
"Agony Aunt, you’re my only hope! I need your wisdom and advice! You see I’m slowly getting a crush on a girl on the same committee as me! I dunno what to do! She’s sassy and funny! Opinionated but kind! She’s also stunning unlike me, in comparison to her I am a toad. She’d never go for someone like me. I am a two where she’s a ten. The yearning is ridiculous and covid doesn’t help! Cause I can’t get to see her in person to figure out if it is a crush or just extreme admiration. So Agony Aunt, tell me - do I just give up now and drown myself in the UCD lake? Or do I just sob into some overpriced ice cream for a week or two till I die of yearning?"
I really, truly don't know what was in the air when I was taking submissions for this issue, but most of the questions I got this time were about people struggling to ask their crush out. This isn't a problem, don't worry! I just thought it was interesting how a lot of the questions I got for this issue were more about actual, genuine human connection, and less about hiding a 14-inch dildo from your parents.
But to answer the question - this is probably not the answer you want to hear, but you are really not going to know how she feels about this whole thing unless you start chatting with her and the conversation goes that direction. COVID has been tough to deal with - I have spent my Level Five missing my friends and wishing I could vandalise Mícheal Martin's house. But that doesn't mean you can't start texting her! You're not sure if it's a crush or "extreme admiration" - you can't see her in person yet, so what better way to find out than by talking to her and getting to know each other better?
Also; you seriously need to stop thinking she would "never" go for someone like you or that she's "more" stunning than you. She could easily be thinking all of these things about you! One of the messages I got about asking your crush out could have been from her! In conclusion, there's no reason to lose hope - be yourself, believe in yourself, and get your hole when it is safe to do so.
And please don't throw yourself into the lake. You'll get tetanus and I don't want to be sued.
"How do I manage awkward body hair, i.e bum hair that grows back fast and is obvious. What solutions should be used? pros and cons? Assist me with my troubles."
As the proud owner of a hairy ass, I unfortunately don't have a lot of personal knowledge to help you and your bum troubles. However, from my own investigative journalism, I've found that generally you can shave it so long as you're careful about it. Generally, starting with an electric shaver is a good shout - you can then (carefully!) go over it with shaving gel and a razor if you're brave enough and feel it's necessary. Also please put down a mat of some kind while you're doing it. For your own sanity and for my peace of mind.
That being said, personally I don't think there's any shame in a bit of hair. I think there's absolutely no point in being ashamed of your body. As long as the hair is not "obvious" in the sense that you can put it in a french braid and hang it out of your trousers, I think you should only trim or shave it if it's 100% your decision and you are doing it for yourself.