Agony Aunt: Vol XXVII Issue 2

Image Credit: Laoise Tarrant

Agony Aunt

Hello! My name is Joanne Joanne - drag legend, eleven-time Grammy winner, full-time resident of the tunnels in the Newman Building. This is OTwo’s best ever Agony Aunt column - that's right, the good people at The University Observer saw the way 2020 has gone, thought about who can be there as a light in the dark for the struggling students of UCD, and settled on a twenty-year-old drag queen from the backarse of County Wicklow. I'm as delighted as you are! I'll be answering your questions on love, sex, college or anything else via submissions in my Tipbox - do send your questions in! Nothing is too weird! I am incredibly nosy!

"Hi Joanne Joanne,
I'm a 3rd year college student and everything should be grand. I have a great group of friends from my course and I'm going out with a girl in that group of friends. I think I've just recently discovered that I'm gay and I don't know what to do about it - I really care about my girlfriend and I know my friends would take it badly if out of nowhere I just came out. I feel like my whole life that I've made for myself since coming to UCD is falling apart. I'm a member of a sports team in UCD and it makes me so scared to go back to that if I do come out. Also being gay seems to have just come out of nowhere but I just know haha. Thanks"

This is a difficult question, but in short; the people in your life will ultimately be okay with you being gay if they truly care about you. They may be shocked, but if, and when, the day comes that you tell people, do not be afraid to cut people off for being homophobic if you need to. Granted, if you're not ready to come out, that's fine, and you should only come out when you are absolutely sure you're ready to do so. There are ways to meet and talk to other queer people without others necessarily knowing - the LGBT society in UCD was a big part of me being as okay with myself as I am now. They've been running online events for the past few weeks, and whenever we return to campus, they will continue their banner-free events - events without a society banner outside the room like THIS ROOM IS FULL OF HOMOSEXUALS. A lot of their events also aren't specifically gay-themed, so you can easily go to them and not once have to mention out loud that you're gay. You can also call the national LGBT Helpline at 1890929539. Stay safe. Be kind to yourself. Stream ARTPOP.

"Dear Joanne Joanne,
There is no subtle way to put this, I want a dildo. However, I still live at home with my parents and I am not prepared to be questioned on what package is in my package if I were to order one online for delivery. I also am a pretty anxious person and am not sure if I have the balls to go into a sex shop. Any advice you could give me?
Thanks hun x"

There's a couple of solutions I can think of to this problem. The first is probably the most boring - if there's a Parcel Motel anywhere near you, you can order the dildo, have it shipped to there and then pick it up when you're ready. I do think they charge a small fee for every use, but if you really can't stand your parents knowing you ordered a twelve-inch oozing horse cock then it's probably your safest bet.

If you're afraid to go into a sex shop, it might calm your nerves a bit to go in with a friend. Obviously, you should be as safe as you can because of Covid-19, but if you're afraid of being seen walk into a sex shop it might be some relief if you're not walking in alone. Realistically anyone who happens to walk past is not going to care that much, and you're not going to be judged by the people who are already in the shop. Glass houses and all that.

Worst case scenario, those TIGER shops in town sell vibrating back massagers for like three quid. Get creative!

That's all from me this time! If your question wasn’t answered this time don't let that stop you from sending them in. If you would like to ask for my advice, you can find the link to my Tipbox on the UO's “Contact Us” page and their social media pages. You can find me (and the link to the Tipbox) on Instagram at @joannesquared, and you can catch me on Saturdays downstairs in the Newman Building eating a Petit Filous in the corner between 4 and 5am.