If yeh see us in de pub buy us a pint, will’eh?

Dear Anto,

I’ve just lost my part-time job. Cutbacks and all that. How can I afford to pay my rent and drink until the end of term? I spend €100 a week on rent, €5 on Pot Noodles and everything else on drink. Where can I get this money? What would Anto do?


Dear Philip,

Ta be honest wichya, Anto’d jus fall over. Sue de bleedin’ Corpo.

Jacinta got herself kitted ou’ in JD Sports after de snow ‘nd ice claim. Well we stole it, bu’ de fact is, we cuda paid for it. We cuda!

D’ja know how much John Player Blue ya can get with that sorta money? Oim no human calculator bu enough ta puff like a muffler exhaust fer a yeear.

We got Anto Jr’s ear pierced ta celebrate de last claim. I think I’m gonna fall over next week. Anto Jr Jr needs a new pair a Nikes.




I went out to Dicey’s with the lads last Thursday and now I can’t go to my Ag classes without scratching myself. I think I have the crabs.

I went to the Welfare Office but they just gave me a Gillette razor and some Sudocreme, said to shave my balls. I can’t stop itching. It’s embarrassing. I was thrown out of the library for attempting indecent exposure. The bald security man told me to meet him in at 822/Sex for some Anne Sexton. What does this mean?

Anthony, can you help me before I go back to Kilkenny this weekend, I have the big hurling final on Saturday.  I spent all the grant money on the Ag ball so I can’t go to the chemist. Oh and should I go to 822/Sex?


Dear Sheamus,

Wha de bejasus are ye askin me? To shave yer fookin balls fer ye? Ye stupa prick.

I went to James’s te ge’ de Aids testin after I rode dis dodgy wan in de back of de 77 bus. She had a flippin’ ronnie an a belly piercing all infected bu’ she waz sharin’ her Druids so all gud buzz boyz! Dey said I got De Clam in India. Oiv neva been in India.

Ye wanker, ye shud of went ta India ta get De Clam. Jacinta can’t get up the keith duffy now.

Get yer Mudder te shave yer balls. Sure ye got de crabs off her ye virgin. Ye go to 822/Sex.  Go on ye gud thin!



Email yizzer problems to anto@universityobserver.ie or follow him at twitter.com/AgonyAnto